Reality (Linstead AU)

Chapter 17

Jay had ended up sleeping in Erin's bed with her after they'd had sex twice. Seriously hot sex in his opinion. In fact the best he could remember, he thought as he stood in the bathroom having a pee the next morning.

When he walked back into the room, he discovered that he had woken Erin. She was now lying facing him, her head propped up on her left hand.

"Hey," she said in a sleepy voice.

"Hey. Didn't think I woke you."

"Well, you did," she replied, stating the obvious.

"Last night was so hot," he said as he got into the bed. He lay facing her, looking into her beautiful eyes.

"Yeah, it was. Fully hot." Then her tone became less positive. "Here's the thing though, Jay. I don't want to be with someone just for hot sex. I'm not that kind of girl. When I'm with someone, it's a serious thing for me. That's what I want with you. I have real feelings for you. Strong feelings. Feelings I can't stop thinking about whenever I'm around you. My problem is I think this is nothing more than a game to you."

"What? No!" he objected instinctively.

Erin continued regardless. "Yes, I'm guilty too. I know that. I've done my share of game playing the past few weeks. Honestly? I enjoyed it. Kind of got sucked into it. But now, how I mostly feel is sad. Sad because I don't think this will ever become what I wish it could become."

Jay felt sadness descend on him too in that moment, and it panicked him. This wasn't at all how he had expected the morning after such an incredible night to go. Now he was in a situation that he wasn't at all prepared for. If he didn't manage to get his damn socially awkward brain to come up with something meaningful to say, this might be where things ended between him and Erin. That was not what he wanted at all. The nightmarish problem was how to get that across to her.

"Erin, I don't just want sex. I don't. I want something more serious too."

Erin sighed in disappointment. "You're just weakly repeating what I said back to me. Maybe you should go?"

She began to turn towards her side of the bed, about to get out. But Jay put a hand on her shoulder and stopped her. "No. No, I shouldn't go. I'm not just repeating what you said, I meant it. The thing is..." He faltered for a moment, struggling to get the next thing he wanted to say to come out.

"Jay?" Erin asked, looking at him expectantly. He didn't detect impatience in her voice, which gave him some confidence.

"The thing is I suck at expressing my feelings. Like, putting them into words. It's something I've always struggled with. Lately I've been trying to improve, but it's hard for me. So when all I say is I want something more serious, it's not because I don't mean it. I totally mean it. I want us to try a relationship. If we can, I mean."

"Jay," Erin said softly.

'Get the fuck out of here,' he imagined her say. But that wasn't close to what happened. Instead, she put a hand affectionately on his cheek.

"That's possibly the first time I've seen the real Jay Halstead open up to me. I could see in your eyes how difficult that was for you, and that makes it truly mean something to me. You said you've always struggled to express your emotions and feelings?"

Inside, Jay breathed a sigh of relief. He hadn't blown it. In fact, he had apparently done well, somehow. But she had given him a much tougher question to answer. "I... I, uh... had a tough childhood. Talking about feelings and emotions wasn't a thing in our house. Life for me when I was growing up was about having borderline alcoholics for parents, who beat me and Will when they weren't beating each other. I never wanted friends over to our place because it was a shithole, and in any case I wasn't allowed. They would never take me to a friend's place to hang, so I ended up without any friends. I had no one to talk to most of the time, so I didn't learn to do it properly. To talk to people, I mean. So now, when I want to be able to talk to someone I want to be with about how they make me feel, I can't do it."