Reality (Linstead AU)

Chapter 29

With his heart pounding, Jay opened the door to his apartment. He absolutely hated how nervous he was. Showing his girlfriend where he lived should not be a big deal. But thanks to his upbringing he had low self-esteem. Sometimes it got really low. This was one such occasion. He expected Erin to turn straight around and leave as soon as she walked in.

He entered, not saying anything to welcome her. The door opened into the living area. The kitchen was at the far end of the space, separated from the living area by a breakfast bar. He had a comfy leather couch, a wooden coffee table and a massive TV on the wall opposite the couch. And almost nothing else. It was what it was: an apartment for a guy who until recently had been single, and even now was hardly ever there. He didn't even have pictures on the walls.

"You know, there's something I really envy about this," Erin said pleasantly, walking into the middle of the living area after leaving her travel case near the front door.

"What?" he asked, feeling surprised that his chin hadn't hit the floor.

"It's minimalist. No clutter. No chaos. Somewhere to just be. Somewhere with no stress. I understand why you like it. This is just... your place," was all she could come up with.

Holy shit, she gets it, he thought. He was astounded. And in that moment he knew for sure that Erin was the woman he wanted to spend his life with. She understood him. Actually understood him. Understood that after what he had been through, he needed the simple, calm retreat away from all the chaos, from all the travel, from performing in front of thousands of people. When he was home, his brain got to take a time out.

"Okay, what's wrong?" she demanded, looking at him and standing with her hands on her hips.

"Huh? Nothing's wrong."

"Jay, you stopped talking in the car, and you've not said a word up here. You're just standing there staring at me. We can talk about whatever is wrong, but what you're not going to do is lie to me and say everything is fine when I can tell it isn't."

Finally, he snapped out of the funk that the fears which now seemed ridiculous had put him in. He smiled and walked over to her. "Nothing's wrong. I was being an idiot and thinking you'd hate my place. But you get it, I know that now. This is the calm, quiet place I need to retreat to when I'm not on the road. It's my place to be away from everything."

Erin stepped closer to him and wrapped her arms around him. "One day, when you're ready, if you're ever ready, I hope you can talk to me some more about what happened to you. I want to understand you even more than I do now. I want to be able to be here for you even more than I am now. What I'm saying doesn't even make much sense. Maybe I just want to carry some of the burden for you, if that's even possible."

What she was saying meant a lot to him. But he couldn't talk about it now. Couldn't imagine doing it at all. "I can't promise that," he said, trying to be diplomatic about it because she had been trying to show... what? Love? Maybe. It felt too soon for that word to enter his head. But then he had never been in love before, so what would he know?

"I don't expect you to make promises," she said, nothing but understanding in her voice. "Just know that I'm never going to judge you. All I need from you is the same in return. As I've said before, please stop thinking about money all the time when you think about me. I bet you were doing it again today? Thinking about the girl with the rich dad coming to your place?"

He couldn't lie to her. Not in this intimate moment. Not while looking right into her eyes. "Yes," he said, feeling ashamed of it now. "I wish I wasn't, but I was. Something just changed though, when you said what you said about this place. I felt it. That money stuff isn't going to be a thing from now on."