Miss Jackson {b.u.}

{27}

The past week has been shit. The baby isn't calm, she doesn't breastfeed so she needs special formula. I walked into the kitchen area of tour bus and did a double take at the baby formula, picking it up and then slamming it on the counter, realizing Brendon had bought the wrong one, "do you not know your own daughters' formula?"

"Babe, i'm trying to be a good father. I'm sorry, I got distracted."

"Fuck you, Brendon."

I turned and walked to my suitcase, grabbing clothes. I shut the door and changed quickly, putting makeup on. I walked out in black ripped skinny jeans, converse and a navy blue v-neck. I walked off of the bus, Alex waiting for me outside.

I sat at the bar. 3 shots of whiskey. 2 shots of Jameson. Shots of scotch and 5 beers. Compared to Alex who had 1 Martini. I slammed the last shot of scotch down and got up, "i'm going to do karaoke!"

"Okay!" Alex said, raising her eyebrows.

I stood on stage, holding the microphone, singing I Miss you by Blink-182. I missed the old Brendon. The one before Clover. The one who loved and cared about me so deeply. Now he's not like that anymore. I finished singing and got iff of the stage. Alex grabbing me, making sure I didn't fall, "why the fuck did you do that?"

"Fuck you, Alex." I walked over to the bar, taking one more shot of whiskey.

I woke up in the back of Brendon's Chevy. I was on my side and the windows were down and I heard a conversation outside, "what did she drink?" Brendon asked.

"I don't know. A lot?" Alex uttered.

"Oh my god, Alexandra."

"What? She's fuckin' twenty-three. She can manage herself!"

"If she could manage herself, I wouldn't be standing here, dipshit."

I got up, getting out of the car quickly and slamming the door, "fuck you, I can manage myself!"

"Why would you drink that much, Joanne?" He asked, sternly.

"Cause I miss you."

We sat in the car. Brendon drive down the road. I was half asleep, but I knew he was singing his song, Always to me. I smiled softly, but felt my heart hurting. He was just doing it because I was shitfaced. He didn't care at all.

We walked into our house. These next three days we were in Los Angeles for concerts. We walked into the kitchen and I sighed, "we have to be good parents for Clo."

"I'm trying, JJ."

"Not hard enough."

Brendon sighed and set his hand on his hip. Before he could speak, I walked away. Go upstairs into our room and closing the door. I set my hands on Clovers crib, glancing at her for a moment, then looking at the picture of Brendon and I of the first time we hung out. I picked Clover up. My head tilted to the left and I looked at her in my arms. I felt his arms wrap around my waist from behind me and Brendon kissed my neck. I stared back at the picture of when we stared dating in October, "you're still as beautiful from when I first met you."

I set Clover back down in the crib and Brendon motioned that we go to the garage and smoke. We sat down and Brendon rolled up, "you know, we shouldn't be smoking. We need to be better."

"I'm trying, honey. It takes time."

"Brendon-"

"This is gonna be hard for you, huh?" He joked. I got up, scoffing and storming out. It started to rain and I took Brendon's keys and his car, driving to my moms. I needed just a breath. Just one second of air.