BE THE CHANGE // BUCKY BARNES X OC

ONE

AUTHORS NOTE - first time posting here so not entirely sure what to expect but lets give it a go.
WARNING language, graphic content, 18+, smut.

You all know the drill.
Comment and let me know what you think etc.
But please be kind. Writing has never been my strong point.
Also this is a slow burn so yes I know you're going to get frustrated with me but trust me please! Worth the wait.
Enjoy

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Silence.

The world around me was silent as I stared at the display in front of me-it was always silent when I stood here, reading the words I'd read 100 times over, the image still burning in my mind.

I came here as often as I could. To remind myself how lucky I, and everyone else on the planet really were. The sacrifices that were made that day, 6 months ago and in some small way to try and hold my guilt back that I'd survived. That I, along with every other soul around me, had survived.

As patrons around me slowly disbursed, leaving to go back to their perfect lives-lives they'd survived or gotten back, I just stood still, silent, reading the words I could recite in my sleep if I truly felt like it.

It felt wrong, to have lost them the way we had, for the world to just carry on like nothing had happened-like they hadn't sacrificed everything to give us our lives back and a sigh escaped me as I stepped forward, reaching my hand out to the screen and gently running my fingers across the name. The name of the man I wished I'd known.

"Miss" that sweet soft voice of the guard sounded softly to my left, breaking the silence surrounding me. I turned to him, his soft wrinkled face smiling at me. "Nearly closing time."

I smiled-half smiled really, as I straightened up. "Take care Stanley," I said as sweetly as I could as I left the building, dragging myself back to hustle and bustle outside-even as night fell I knew it would still be busy out there.

My feet carried me home-autopilot setting in as I dissociated, my mind travelling back to the incident 7 years ago, the screams, the blood and that man that had saved me.

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As the locking of my apartment door brought me back to reality-pulling my mind from that long ago memory, I kicked my shoes off and pulled whatever leftovers I had in the fridge out. My nose wrinkled at the smell so I threw them in the bin, instead pulling a beer out and dropped to my couch.

The TV flicked on and as I drank-watching the images but not seeing them, my phone buzzed and I pulled it from my pocket.
"Yeah?"
"Wow, it's been 6 months and you answer with 'yeah'?" I rolled my eyes, taking another swig of the beer before I answered. "No. It's been 5 years and I told you, when you came back I was done ok. Done."
"Can't we talk about this?" I could hear the desperation in his voice but I just couldn't.
"Jason, I'm sorry ok. I am. But I can't do it. I'm done and you need to drop it." I hung up, turning my phone off as I got up, making for my bedroom across the hall.

I felt bad-don't get me wrong, Jason was a great guy in his own right. But after the blip-after losing everyone I loved. Living with the guilt for 5 years and then having them returned-through their sacrifices, I just couldn't face him. Couldn't go back to pretending. Pretending to be the perfect, quiet fiance, that I had changed, the I was different now.

My bed was cold, just the way I liked it these days and as I curled up, preparing for sleep, my mind drifted back to that incident.

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