Shot in the Dark: A Mick Mars X Ozzy Osbourne Story

Chapter 15- When Everything Goes Up in Flames Part 2

I felt guilty, leaving....and I am referring to my bandmates...NO, my friends the ONLY people on earth that give a damn and are there for me. Ozzy.... damn, it hurts thinking or saying his name.... i was lucky I guess, if you could call it that to not puke all over the car on the ride to the airport...which was a herculean effort believe me. And I also couldn't fucking be bothered to give two shits about what the driver thought of me, in sweats...a leather jacket and sobbing my heart out.... falling off the edge of the cliff. I hurt.... i still fucking hurt. I was stupid...naïve...in LOVE or so I thought....and he had to LIE to me.... I'd let the brushing me off, running away from me go...because I didn't want to be one of those partners that was constantly on the other partner's ass...because I CARED.

It doesn't matter to anyone, I don't matter. But...still, I can't or couldn't get Ozzy out of my head or my heart, no matter how hard I try, used, and dropped, never meant to be loved....and by the way the flight was long and eternal, especially since I couldn't leave the bathroom to save my life, puking...and puking....it was a nightmare....IT IS. I am stuck forever in a nightmare....and my getting so ill, my moods.... i am SCARED, very scared....

So here I am now, obviously after the flight from hell I just wanted to go home.... but instead I realized that I had no food and I REALLY for some reason, wanted mustard....pickles, raspberry marmalade, pretzels and I threw in a bunch of random stuff and things I actually needed, booze for some reason sounded gross and that made me puke in the parking lot and here I am, just having put away my food, after having scarfed down some pretzels and mustard.....and I check to make sure I have peppermint tea and I wearily head for my bedroom, my phone ringing off the hook....I don't answer, I don't want to talk to anyone right now....slowly I trudge up to my bedroom, wondering why I have eaten such weird shit, but I can't find in me to care.....my shit gets thrown where ever, as I shakily gather a t-shirt and sweats and head into my bathroom.....

Once in the shower, I brace my self against the shower wall as I feel dizzy....and the tears gather as I close my eyes and then it passes, but I break down....and scream into the silence.

"WHY.... WHY.... OZZY.... YOU...YOU BASTARD.... WHY!!" A shuddering deep breath as I whimper, "I knew you would destroy me in the end and now look at me.... broken once again.... Why wasn't I good enough? THIS HURTS." My sobs echo, but there is no one here to hear me...to care, and....and.... I don't know what to do.

I barely find the strength to wash my long mane and shower.... but I manage, while.... you guessed it puking....my weird feast making an appearance. I shudder.... but at last, I am done and step out naked and I notice something ODD to say the least, as I catch sight of myself in the mirror....

Eyes hollow, ringed in shadows.... looking even paler than I normally do. Face a bit rounder than usual.... but OH FUCK....my stomach is....it looks...a bit round almost a little swollen. Is it cancer.... I don't know.... or am afraid to know. 

Tentatively touching the bit of firm and raised flesh, it doesn't hurt.......it....it.... i can't think straight, too fucking tired and ill!

I try like hell to ignore how fucking terrible I look and my stomach, I have ENOUGH to deal with as it is....and this only makes me cry more, as barely seeing thru my tears I manage to dry off and get dressed, and with the way things have been going.....i make sure to have a waste basket, water....Tylenol and tea by the bed and at long last, I sink into my covers....desperate to become one with them and feeling a bit dizzy, I close my eyes and soon it passes.

I have a phone that rings on the bedside table, but again I ignore it....

I will tell you that Nikki, Vince, and Tommy left messages.... worried out of their minds, Nikki especially. They all ranged from frantic, to anger...but not at me but Ozzy.... but then there were messages from them saying they didn't blame me for not answering, but at least they cared. There were no messages from Ozzy, allow me to explain. At the time, I didn't know he tried to call, but unable to dial, to find the courage consumed by guilt.... He would come to tell me later and other things I didn't know would also come to light.

I turn off the bedside lamp and am DROWNING in darkness.... i whimper, yes.... fucking whimper, crying.... still crying, I fumble for the bedside remote and turn on the tv for background noise and just close my eyes, me wishing I could close them forever....and the nightmares, the dreams they come with a vengeance....

Lightning streaks across the sky.... the downpour, me desperate to get away.... a disheveled Ozzy begging me to wait....to please wait, but then he rips out my heart, I see the pieces lying on the wet ground and I feel nothing......

Another shift in scene and mood.... what fresh torture is THIS?!

I am lying in bed, alone....always alone, but the strange thing is....my stomach is rounded and firm and I can feel...I can FEEL the baby move, squirming and darting around as I try desperately to get them to calm down....my daughter to calm down, me sobbing all the while but I can also feel how much I love the precious little girl inside me, she feels like my world....but I feel sheer exhaustion and desperately want sleep.

"Please, I love you.... but I want to sleep.... you've been restless since.... since...." it seems I realize. "Since I ran into.... Your father." I sigh, "You kicked for the first time when you heard his voice, scared the shit out of me......and he found out about you. I'm not angry princess.... not at you. Aunty Nikki had his babies.... i went to see him, your Uncle Gene was there...he and Nikki worked things out, are working at being a couple...so in love." I trail off rubbing my stomach, my daughter still kicking away...., "Daddy was stunned when he realized, but daddy did something to mommy, he broke me...broke my heart, but I still love him.... he wanted to talk but I ran from him, he has my number.... he has my number, please...please honey...let mommy sleep. Please princess."

It is about this time the phone rings and without thinking, I sob out, "Hello?"

"Mick?! Blimey...oh fuck....is...is the baby, ok? Are you?" Ozzy.

"Wont calm down!" I wail, "I can't sleep...I haven't been able to.... been restless since I ran into you. The baby won't quit moving and...and I really want to sleep!"

"Oh Mick...I know, I know....and I know you don't trust me, and I understand why, so much has happened. The divorce, moving into a new place....and I wasn't lying when I said I was trying to make things right...I want TO EARN your heart, your forgiveness...you don't trust me, so I understand why you wouldn't trust me not to also hurt our child.... or be there for them....i want to bloody well do what it takes I see that now.... which is why for starters, I want to ask you.... if it would help if I came over? See if I could calm down our child?" Ozzy pleads tearfully, and he sounds genuine that he wants to help me.

"O-Ok.... HURRY." I breathe out, feeling the baby move but much more gently.... still energetic just like her father, but still its likes She KNOWS. Then I hang up, caressing my stomach.... still a little scared, concerned at the fact that it's the middle of the night, wondering why of all times Ozzy calls me now?

And then the scene fades....as I begin to go back to my tortured...broken woken world....

A/N: Sweet dreams, a beautiful nightmare.... nightmares, and poor Mick is still so sick and heartbroken. Next chapter will see, a certain Nikki Sixx, running to Mick since that's the one place where Gene won't find him...and too, Mick needs a friend or friends. And maybe, just maybe we may find out officially what's going on with Mick, a scary moment....and just what happened after Mick's flight from Ozzy.