Again «ZM» ✔️

Part Thirty Eight

Isabelle

We stand like this for a moment, but then I pull away. I look in his eyes.

"I don't regret it. If what me and Liam had was worth it then we wouldn't have let it fall apart. And we did which means it wasn't. And our relationship was forced onto us," I answer him, "So yes. My feelings for you are much stronger than my feelings for Liam. The past is the past and I wouldn't want anyone else," I say. He nods.

"You still don't trust me," he looks disappointed, "You really think I got Perrie pregnant on purpose?" he asks. I frown and shake my head. "Yet you still made sure if the condom didn't break. And if I put it on good to begin with," he puts it out there. And I get it. He notices these things. I just shake my head slowly.

"I'm sorry," I apologise because that's all I can do now. And right now I can see in his eyes that he's kind of surprised. He didn't expect me to admit it? He steps back a bit and turns his head to the side.

"I should've known," he whispers and wants to go somewhere, but I take his hand and make him look at me. "Just stop. You know literally everything about me and that's something that you can't get over, so if there's something you can't get past, it's not worth the pain," he pulls his hand away. He walks over to the bed and gets under the sheets. I wanted to go outside for a minute, but now I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go out, but I don't want to stay here. Yet, I don't want to leave. So I turn off the lights and slowly walk over to the bed. "Wear something," he mumbles before I get in bed, so I freeze. I sense anger in his voice. I oblige. I take my underwear from the ground and bring it to the closet with me.

   When I'm in the closet, I put the underwear in the laundry basket and wear new one. And I take a big shirt. When I take a glance in the mirror, I can't help but feel angry with myself. Why couldn't I just trust him and not fuck a good thing up? Again!

   I slowly get under the sheets. I turn to Zayn, but I'm too scared to cuddle up to him. I'm scared he'll just push me away. We sleep like this for a long time. I don't know if he's asleep, but I can't fall asleep. The thoughts in my mind are ripping out my heart, it's making me crazy. I carefully scoot closer to him and press my cheek against his arm. He's relaxed and warm. My arms wrap around his arm and I lock my fingers with his. Well, I just hold his hand, he's not even moving. Now, when I close my eyes, I feel myself finally get sleepy. And in no time really I fall asleep.

   I wake up alone. It makes me grumpy because he's probably still angry with me. And I don't want to get up. What if he told his family what happened and they went away? What if they're all angry at me now? I deserve it, I really do. I get up and wear a sports costume. Then I brush my hair, make it in a ponytail. When I leave the closet, I stop. The bathroom door is closed. And I hear water running. So it means he's still here. I make the bed while he's showering. I take my PC and turn it on. I open the mail and check the email that Vincent sent me yesterday. I read it. Zayn got Perrie pregnant and was actually planning to raise the kid together. So that means he didn't really want her to make an abortion. But all of a sudden she does suicide. That's interesting.

"You look so serious," I hear Zayn say exactly when I read that his father was accused of killing her and making it look like suicide, but it was dismissed because there's no concrete proof. I look up at Zayn. "We're continuing yesterday's argument, aren't we?" he immediately sounds sadder and more disappointed.

"Why didn't your father come?" I decide to give it a go. He frowns. By his reaction I'm guessing that he won't change his answer. He doesn't even think about telling me about it.

"I already told you yesterday. He thinks-"

"Now, is it really the reason?" I ask, scared that he knows. If he knows what he's doing, does that mean he's trying to protect me?

"I don't get it, Isa. Why can't you just trust me? Put a little trust in me, I feel like you doubt me more than you did when we were just friends. So what happened? Did I do something?" he's angry again. And I'm scared. I'm scared he's going to hurt me. I close the mail and then put the PC away. I look at him. I startle a bit when he begins to move closer. He gets in bed next to me. My heart beats a bit faster. What if he forces it on me? What if- "Are you okay?" he frowns. I hesitate, but then slowly nod. "Are you afraid?" he continues to question. I can't answer that. He'll be angry. He won't understand.

He sits the same as me and pulls me in his lap. I don't resist, I feel like I should do it. Or else he'll just break up with me. Won't he? Why would he be with someone who doesn't trust him, right? He'll hate me. He probably already does. He'll break up-

"Is it because of Liam?" he whispers, "Are you afraid that I'd hurt you like Liam did?" he asks while holding me in his embrace. I tear up because it's true. Fuck.

"I'm sorry," I apologise once again, "I know you're not him. And I don't want you to be him. But I just can't stop myself from thinking that you could just as easily do the same," I whisper to him, "I want to trust you, but I'm scared," I admit it. He places a kiss on my forehead.

"Just try," he whispers back, "And remember that I would never hit you. Or force anything on you," he adds. I relax a bit and close my eyes. It's hard to swallow, but I still do it.

"Thank you, Zaynie," I say barely audible, "I promise I'll try better," I promise him. He places a kiss on my forehead. I just lean in to him and savour every given touch from him.

"I love you, Isa. Since the very beginning," he mumbles to me. Making me think about it. He loved me already in Las Vegas? How is that possible? We didn't talk much... But then again, maybe I just didn't notice him... Maybe he noticed me and was there for me since the very beginning. I just didn't see him, I was wasted. And high. I was ruined then, just like I am now.