Ghost of a Nonentity (NOTHING SERIES #2)

Chapter 25

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Hanggang ngayon ay tulala pa rin ako. Agad na umalis ang stepmom ko matapos sabihin iyon.

Which is good because I was so unresponsive.

Nakaawang ang labi ko at tulala sa sahig. Halos mapaupo na. Hindi nag sisink in sa 'kin ang nalaman. And it felt like something inside me crumbled into pieces.

I wasn't even blinking. Hindi ko alam ilang minuto akong walang imik at tulala doon. Natauhan lang ako ng makaramdam ng luha sa pisngi at ang unti unting pagkirot ng puso.

I blinked a few times, and every time I do so, more tears fall from my eyes to my cheeks.

Napapikit ako ng mariin ng mas lumala ang sakit na nararamdam.

I tried my best to stand up pero napasandal lang ang kamay ko sa dingding to support my weight. I felt my knees weaken. I never knew losing him would hurt this much. Akala ko, sanay na akong walang ama, pero ang malaman na wala na talaga ito ng tuluyan? Sobrang sakit pala.

Naiyak ako doon. Ayokong makakuha ng atensyon kung may mga lalabas man galing elevator kaya pinilit ko ang sariling makarating sa unit ko at pumasok. My knees weakened again the moment I'm inside. Napaluhod ako at naihilamos ang palad sa mukha as I cried harder.

"This can't be true..." I whispered. "Why does this hurt so bad?"

Sobrang sakit sa pakiramdam. My step mom's words keeps on echoing on my mind.

My name was his last word.

How much... does he want to see me by that time that I was the person he was thinking of. It hurts not being able to provide for what he wanted. If only I knew he'll be gone sooner than expected, na mawawala ito sa edad na hindi ko inexpect, ay sana... sana nakagawa ako ng paraan para makasama naman ito kahit papano.

Napasinghap ako. I can't believe these are my thoughts now when in fact, I never really liked associating myself with him anymore before. Hindi ko alam na... magsisi pala ako sa huli.

Napaupo ako sa sahig at sumandal sa pinto. I was crying so hard, still.

Hindi ako makapaniwala na by this time, my father's dead. Na wala na talaga akong pamilya dito. Wala ng naiwan. I'm really all alone now.

It was easy for me to admit before that I'm alone in this life because I know, deep inside me, I have a father. I still have my father. We may not be close pero ama ko yun, eh. The image of his smile at me the last time we saw each other made me cry harder.

Napahawak ako sa puso ko dahil sa sakit, softly caressing it as if it can help ease the pain. It was as if my world went blank.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ako natigil sa pag iyak. I just found myself staring at the veranda door. I stood up and walked there, wanting to breathe fresh air. But it was such a bright day that I came in face to face. Masyadong masakit sa mata.

I closed my eyes, trying to calm down but it wasn’t effective.

I wiped my tears bago bumalik sa loob. I looked for my keys bago lumabas ng condo ko. I plan to go to Batangas, to the cliff. I... I want to clear my mind.

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin. Ni hindi ko nga sigurado kung pwede akong umattend sa wake and funeral ng ama ko. Am I even welcome now that the only connection that binds me with them is now gone?

I was never welcome before. Paano na lang ngayon?

I wasn't in my right mind while I was driving. Mabuti at diretso lang ang daan sa express way. Hindi gaanong delikado sa estado ko ngayon.