Ghost of a Nonentity (NOTHING SERIES #2)

Chapter 21

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Hindi ako makatulog. Nakatulala lang ako sa lamp.

Yung utak ko kasi, nag ooverthink. Dahil sa nangyari kanina, naisip ko kung tama bang ganito kami? I mean, yes, he's my boyfriend but our relationship isn't like that. We're both aware about this.

We'll try being together, and make this work.

I have nothing against him for what happened earlier dahil maging ako ay hindi talaga makaramdam ng pagtutol sa ginawa. The only thing that's keeping me sane from whatever he's doing to me earlier is the embarrassment. 

I never imagined myself to be doing this!

Ni hindi ko nga naimagine ang sarili kong nakikipaghalikan, tapos... mas malala na ang nagawa ko?

Hindi ko maitatangging nadadala ako at nagugustuhan ko ang ginagawa pero ngayon ay napapaisip ako. Tama ba?

I know there's nothing wrong with doing that lalo pa in this generation as long as you're both protected. Pero, I have always had this image in my future that it must be done only with your beloved. With your lover.

Iyon ang lagi kong naiisip patungkol sa mga sekswal na bagay.

And it's so different because Gage isn't my beloved, he isn't my lover, either. He's just someone who loves me and has feelings for me. And I considered it by giving him a chance.

I wanna try and make this work.

Pero bakit parang wala naman akong ginagawa to try? What do I do to help myself have feelings for him? Among all the boys I had given a chance to, it's Gage who I'll feel desperate to develop feelings with.

I'm used to his presence and I don't want this to change. So, if keeping him means loving him, then I would.

But how?

Do I try to become more open to him? To be more caring? Be sweeter?

Hindi ko alam. How does this love thingy work and why is it so stressful?!

Nakatulog na ako sa pag iisip. Nagising lang dahil may gumigising sa 'kin. Kumunot ang noo ko bago nagmulat ng mata, ayaw pang gumising dahil antok.

"Cha, it's already 8am. Babalik pa tayong Manila, c'mon, wake up honey." Bulong nito.

Nakaupo siya sa gilid ko at marahang niyuyugyog ang braso ko para magising. Ang isa nitong kamay ay inaayos ang magulong buhok. Sad, messy hair look good on him.

I looked away because of that thought bago umahon na nga at naupo.

"I already asked for room service. It'll be here in fifteen minutes."

I just nodded. Gusto ko pang matulog pero kailangan pa naming umuwi ng Manila dahil may pasok pa kami mamaya.

"I'll just bathe," sabi ko ng makatayo na.

When I faced him, kita ko itong nakakagat labi habang nakatingin sa may leeg ko. Agad naman siyang nag angat ng tingin sa mata ko ng maramdaman ang titig ko.

"Okay," he whispered then looked away.

I looked for a clean towel inside the cabinet bago pumasok na nga ng banyo. I did my morning routine.

Matapos maligo ay sa lababo naman ako to do my skin care. I was about to put on cleanser when I noticed that there's something red on my skin. On my neck! Kumunot ang noo ko at inilapit ang mukha lalo sa salamin para makita iyon. And my lips parted when I did!

There's a hickey! Oh my god!

I panicked and went outside, looking for Gage.

"Gage!" Tawag ko. "I have a hickey!" Halos tili na ang boses ko sa pag panic.