PULL MY HEARTSTRINGS (COMPLETE)

29

                             

     
     
Kgomotso was disappointed Vincent couldn’t make it, she was looking forward to meeting him and even prepared some snacks and sought out a vintage bottle from Anesu’s cellar, to show her appreciation for his help the last time. He was in Dubai but still managed to get a few options delivered to the house, she still found it shocking how people bent over backwards for those with deep pockets.
     
Like the first time, Vincent didn’t disappoint, she was spoilt for choice and couldn’t make up her mind between her top two picks, the wide leg denim jumpsuit and a silver tassel dress, which she thought would best complement her festive mood. Her hesitation to attend the braai was the reason picking an outfit to wear seemed like an insurmountable task, and the thought of facing her sister made Kgomotso want to crawl back in bed because Kamo would know something was going on with her.
     
She thought she was ready to step out and face the world because she wanted nothing more than to move on, but her heart and mind were in two different places and that left Kgomotso conflicted.    
     
The shower stopped running and Anesu emerged a few minutes later with a towel loosely wrapped around his waist. He stood by the door, watching her stare at those two outfits with minimal interest as her teeth firmly clamped on her bottom lip. His love for her was right on his tongue ready to jump out because he felt compelled to tell her every chance he got.
     
“What seems to be the problem, MaModise, don’t you like them?” he asked, coming to stand next to her.
     
She sighed, shaking her head. “It’s not that. I just don’t know which one to wear.”
     
“Oh, that’s easy.” He held her in his arms, kissing the side of her neck. “I think you should wear the dress.”
     
“But I’ll be over dressed for a braai.” She slightly frowned suddenly feeling frustrated with the whole thing.
     
“No, you’ll be beautiful.”
     
“Of course you’d say that.”
     
“And I mean it.” He kissed her again. “Are you having second thoughts about going?”
     
“Is it that obvious?”
     
He turned her around to face him and their eyes locked in an intense stare she couldn’t hide from. He had the ability to search deep inside her and know exactly how she was feeling and that partly frightened her.
     
“Yes, because I feel the same way.”
     
“Should we tell them about the miscarriage?” Kgomotso asked because she was feeling guilty for keeping it from her sister for so long, but she hoped Kamo would understand she needed some time to process and heal from the ordeal.
     
“Do you want to?”
     
“I don’t know. I think I do but I’m not sure.”
     
He dotted her with more kisses, using his affection to stop her from spiralling. She was still a mess and putting back the broken pieces was taking longer than expected.
     
“It’s okay, we don’t have to tell them today. We can do it some other time.”
     
“I wish I would feel better already. I want the sadness to end so I can get back to being my normal self again, Anesu.”
     
He knew what she meant the miscarriage hit him hard and the unexpected blow knocked the wind out of him, leaving him flat on his ass unable to find his balance. The days which followed after the news broke were a see-saw of extreme highs and depressing lows and on those low days he found himself drowning in a well, following his broken dreams to the bottom. He didn’t realize how much he wanted to be a father until he was told it wasn’t going to happen anymore and that was devastating.
     
Anesu made no time to tend to his pain because he learned as a boy that crying was not befitting and that shaped his mind as he became a man. Instead he turned to his work for comfort and the rush he usually got when working on a new project couldn’t keep the pain away, it wasn’t easy to wash off like a stain on his favourite shirt, and Kgomotso was too distraught to notice he wasn’t coping. It was harder on her because she believed her body failed her and even though he tried he couldn’t fully understand the depth of her grief, he wasn’t the one carrying the embryo.
     
Eventually his tough façade cracked the day he witnessed Kgomotso break down after watching a Pampers advert on TV and he felt helpless knowing there was nothing he could do to change their situation. When nightfall came and the sleeping pills finally drowsed Kgomotso, Anesu didn’t hold back his tears and in that moment of complete vulnerability alone in his office, he didn’t feel less of a man he felt the weight lift off his shoulders.
     
“I know, baby, I know.” He gently wiped her tears. “It hasn’t been easy since that day and it will probably take a while for everything to get back on track but I want you to know that I’ll always be by your side every step of the way.”
     
“As long as I can return the favour, you need some TLC too.”
     
“You don’t have to worry about me, I’ll be fine.”
     
“Don’t do that,” said Kgomotso, shaking her head. “I watched you give so much of yourself to improve my wellbeing these past couple of days, don’t think I didn’t notice. And as much as I’m grateful for your support you lost her too and it’s okay not to be okay.”
     
Kgomotso realized this was uncharted territory because Anesu still had his guard up but she wasn’t backing down this time that wall had to come down because she was all in and there was no turning back. But she didn’t want to push too hard or too fast because it would make matters worse, he was a man after all and would rather smile through the pain than talk about it. A notion she found absurd but that was a topic for another day.  
     
“My punching bag is good therapy,” he said with a nonchalant shrug, it was obvious he wanted the conversation over and done with. It always had to be a painful exercise getting him to open up about his feelings because God forbid she started thinking he wasn’t macho enough anymore.
     
“I was being serious, Anesu”
     
He frowned at the sound of her firm tone, as he realized she wasn’t going to let this go. She was determined to take him back to the night he fell apart alone in his office and he was hesitant to expose that side to her.  
     
“And I wasn’t?”
     
She took a calming breath and counted to 5 backwards, she didn’t need this to escalate because that would derail her mission to get his guard down.
     
“I understand that spending a few hours on your punching bag helps but talking does too, and I just want to know how you’re feeling about the loss.”
     
He sat on the edge of the bed, changed with clean sheets and placed her on his lap, taking in her jasmine scent. He liked it better than the lavender.     
     
“Do you really think it would’ve been a girl?” His voice held a delicate tremor perhaps she shouldn’t have pushed for him to open up, at least not now.
     
She looked at him, blinking back the pending tears. “I wanted a girl so bad I convinced myself that’s what I was having after taking those pregnancy tests.”
     
“I hoped for twins a girl and a boy,” he said after a brief silence.
     
She was surprised by his admission and it showed on her face. “Why twins?” she couldn’t resist asking.
     
“I don’t think I would’ve been able to handle seeing you go through morning sickness and labour pains twice, so with twins you’d only have to endure that once.” His smile failed to hide the melancholy lurking in his eyes.
     
“That’s sweet of you but I’m a tough girl.”
     
“I’ve noticed,” he pulled Kgomotso closer, resting his forehead on hers, and his breath softly touched her lips.
     
“We have to get ready,” she said but Anesu made no move to release her from his arms.
     
He put his hand on her stomach as if he would be able to feel something and her heart thumped faster when he slid his hand inside her robe, it was slightly cold but she didn’t mind.
     
“I wanted to see your belly grow, hold her in my arms after cutting the umbilical cord, sing her to sleep every night, hear her laugh until she snorts like you sometimes do and comfort her when she cried.”
     
She held his face and kissed him, tasting his tears on her lips and her love for him swelled her heart and radiated through her body, making her glow for the first time in days.
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