Chris Schistad - Couldn't Ever

37

Saturday, 5:58 pm

"... I really, truly, deeply hate him right now." I sobbed but was comforted by the girls.

"I'll break bones. Oh my god, I'll end lives, both Robin's and Chris'." Sana said. "He won't wake up tomorrow."

"Why didn't you tell us about Robin when you knew?" Eva asked.

"Because I thought that's not important because nothing happened to me. He didn't so much as look at me since...

It just feels like.... Like Chris just did that to let me feel, I don't know... protected when I was with him. You know just yesterday after school we made love. It felt so sincere and honest and just— I felt safe. Maybe I even thought for a second that he could love me.

God I'm so stupid for even thinking this." I cried. Eva and Vilde rubbed my back. "You're not", Noora said.

"I— wasn't telling you everything. Because I felt like— still feel like this isn't my place to tell, but...

I— was over at William's weeks ago. I think it was after you called him a manwhore." I kinda half-smiled at this. Oh how right I was. "Chris was there and he was asking about you. I know William said that he just asked who you were but he wanted to know more.

Whether or not you're into guys, if you have a boyfriend or do relationships and all that kind of stuff. William didn't tell him anything, tho just you name as he said."

"But that was weeks ago", Eva said exactly what I thought. Not related to now.

"I'll get there", Noora said and continued. "Then, I remember it exactly, in the morning before he followed you into the library, we both had slept at William's with some other guys because of some football game— he said that he wanted to ask you out.

Later he told William that there wasn't a right timing but we all knew that he was scared."

I was reviewing those moments in anther perspective. I didn't like it. I didn't want to think that I was right all the time. If he liked me, why would he hurt me like that?

"When you suggested to study together,— you cannot believe how excited he got. He was like a little kid, not in front of me, of course, but with William.

With time he started to regret it, tho" Now we're coming closer to my reality right now. He got bored and lost interest.

"No, not what you think. I'm very sorry that I know almost every conversation but he told either William and me or just William and William told me anyways.

But I know you said stuff about how you two were basically strangers and not even friends and you didn't want him to touch or kiss or actually even look at you in public.

You said that he could still be with girls and you with guys but that's not at all what he wanted. I know it didn't seem like it, especially at parties, when he made out with girls.

We told him that that was stupid if he ever wanted to become something different to you but he wouldn't listen.

He said if you wanted to make him jealous, in which you definitely succeeded, he would try to do that with you as well. Remember when he 'tripped' with his drink? He was jealous."

It was really intimidating how she knew all that and never told me. I stared in front of me, just listening.

"I knew about what Robin did, Carla and that's why I texted you. I knew you'd be with Chris and you'd probably ask.

He had told us what happened and I've never seen someone as angry, talking about something, as him then.

He didn't punch him just to get to you. He didn't want to tell you at all at first but I told him that you have every right to know. And if you didn't, then maybe Robin could even succeed. So he listened and told you, knowing how crushed you would be."

I know that he knew how bad hearing those words was. He wanted to hurt me yesterday and I didn't even fully understand why. But he hurt me more than Robin, because Chris actually meant something to me.

"Just two or three weeks ago he told William that he doesn't really care about what happens between you two. I think he was mad that he still couldn't have you.

Then there was a party and he told William, he tried to make you jealous, to see if you care the slightest bit. Instead you just played a game with him and slept with another guy.

He wanted to get completely wasted, to shut this feeling off, but he wanted to be able to take care of you if something happened. He waited in a room for you, then he dragged you in."

I stopped crying hard to be able to listen but I felt another tear escaping my eyes. I knew what happened next and shook my head.

"He said that you told him all the things you like about him and that you've... thought about him earlier this night..." I imagined him during sex with another guy. I'm glad she put it in a nicer way.

"You know what he said? He said that he felt his heart break and heal at the same time. He knew it could never happen but he loved the thought that maybe, just maybe there's a place in your heart for him."

I put my head in my hands.

"You didn't let him take care of you. He told us something like.. I don't know, you had him?" I have him.

"You also never wore his hoodie, because it would make you a trophy, you thought. He did want to claim you, but not in that way. He wanted to walk around with you in his arms.

Okay, you'll probably hate me now, but remember that time we went out as four 'couples'? It was his idea. He knew you'd never go on a date with just him, so we all knew that this day was actually about you."

I shook my head and whimpered again.

"When we planned it, he said that he— caught feelings." Noora said and it was quiet. No one moved a muscle, then she continued.

"That's why I was acting strange that day and actually every day since then. I had to keep something like that from you." We hugged but I still cried.

"Chris was super excited for this trip. He said he was going to change your relationship.

That's what I don't understand. William accidentally put Robin into the group and immediately removed him again but as soon as Chris could, he called William, saying that it was so wrong to put him in that group with you after he threatened to rape you."

"And yet, he said what he said. It doesn't matter what feelings he might or might not have— when you can say something like this and not even show a reaction when the person you 'have feelings for' breaks completely, then that shows what you're capable of, what a bad human being you are.

Believe me, even if it's true what you said and his feelings were real, then they died quickly. If he acted that way because I was talking to a guy that held me with a towel, then screw him. No really, there's nothing I could've done to upset him that could excuse this."

I cried.

———

AN: The next chapter will be pretty long. You'll get a 'quick' insight of Chris' POV over the past weeks.

I'll upload the chapter tomorrow. I'm done with the story so far, and you only have about five chapters more. If you have any suggestions or if you see a mistake, feel free to comment. Love you <3