Chris Schistad - Couldn't Ever

40

CHRIS POV

Saturday, 11:21 pm

I went upstairs again later, because I was still hungry. I really didn't know anyone except me was still here. I didn't feel like clubbing, obviously, but I thought that maybe Carla did, to take her mind off.

So when I went upstairs with my music on full blast, I jumped as soon as I saw them. My eyes fell on Carla who looked in front of her, trying to avoid eye contact. Her friends were looking at me, expecting an answer. So I told them I wanted some water.

Actually I was hungry but I didn't want to spend more time then necessary in the kitchen right behind them. Eva was staring at me with hatred, which made me assume that Carla told her. Maybe even all of them, but Noora and Vilde at least acted normal.

I had apologized for interrupting and left.

Now I was back in the kitchen and realized that we didn't really have any food left but I was starving.

Fuck, another word I associate with her. Stupid fucking brain.

I felt numb all day, trying to avoid thinking about her or running into her, but I guess that was the universe's way of punishing me. I couldn't stop thinking about her and I had to run into her of course.

I decided to get some McDonald's— which would also remind me of her, but I needed to eat something because I haven't eaten all day except for a bite or two when we were grilling.

I remember the last time we got McDonald's... it was after we talked about Robin. Why did I fuck it up like that? I felt a tear in my eye but I blinked it away and made my way to the car.

I sat inside but when I started it, the radio played "Womanizer", the song that Eva and Carla screamed to.

I turned the car off immediately. Fucking hell, my eyes started watering again. I tried not to cry, but after the deep breaths couldn't calm me down, I punched the steering wheel and leaned against it while staring to cry.

Oh how right she was, when she was drunk and said, that I couldn't get enough. Even Julian understood it. How can anyone ever get enough from her? And how the fuck am I planning on living completely without her now?

What the fuck was I thinking?! I hit my head against my arms, that rested on the steering wheel still.

I inhaled deeply and tried to breath out controlled but I was shaking. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the headrest.

I should have stayed in that— whatever it was with Carla— at least she would be happy, now no one is.

I took out my phone and tipped a few things, that I deleted and never sent.

"Carla, I'm sorry."
"Can we talk, please?"
"Hey, Carla."
"I know you don't want to, but can we—"
"You won't forgi—"
"Hey."
"I'm sorry for hurting you."
"Will you ever be able to forgive me?"

I was a coward. Just a fucking coward.

I threw my phone against the window on the passenger seat and it bounced of and fell down. I cried again quietly with my face in my hands. Then someone knocked hard on my window. I saw Noora through my tears that i immediately wiped away. I rolled down the window and coughed.

"What do you want?" I asked surprisingly steady. "Unlock the passenger door." Noora said and walked around the car already.

I did as she said, knowing that I would probably get stabbed now.

Carla didn't even hurt me physically, when I said all that fucked up stuff to her. That made it worse. She should have slapped me, hit me, punched me but she just cried. Fuck I have let this fucking perfect girl let down.

I hurt her, and now she's gone. I knew I couldn't deserve her in any lifetime but she didn't deserve to be hurt because of someone as unworthy as me. I would have deserved to be hurt physically, too. Maybe I get what I deserve now.

Noora sat down in the car and stared at me. "What?" I said sighing.

"You tell me." She said. "You hurt her bad.", she said calmly. I shrugged my shoulders.

"Yeah, so? Who cares?"

"Oh no, don't you fucking give me that bullshit! I'm sorry for swearing, but hell, you deserve it. I know you care, we all do, so fucking swallow your pride and tell me what the fuck is wrong with you.", she was now screaming.

"Three times the f-word in a row. I'm almost scared now." I rolled my eyes. I knew I fucked up. I didn't need her to tell me that.

"You know, she told me everything." Noora said. "I know now both sides.

Don't you pretend like you don't care because we all know you do. Especially William and me, Chris." She shook her head in disbelief and laughed without humor.

"You know what she said to us? She told us to not pick a side, because she didn't want there to be sides." She said. I shook my head slightly. Of course Carla would say that. She chose peace over war in contrast to me.

"It's really hard not to tho. How could you say these things to her? I remember how you swore to kill Robin, if he behaved like that again. I remember the anger, 'cause I've never seen anything like this.

And yet, you hurt her more than anyone ever could have. I'm proud, you really did change what you guys had." She clapped ironically.

"I did this because I couldn't have her! I couldn't help but love her and she didn't love me back, simple as this." I felt tears rolling down my cheeks again but I didn't care anymore, I didn't try to hide them. "I knew that I couldn't go on, sleeping with her, holding her, loving her but never be able to have her for myself.

So I knew, when I'd tell her that I loved her, that she'd try to let me down softly, but that wouldn't work for me. I needed her completely. Like she said, we couldn't ever be friends. So I needed her to hate me!"

"Don't you fucking make yourself the victim now! You know it's your fault and whatever reasons you thought you have— stick them up your ass and fucking talk to her. You broke her. Completely.

You know that, you were there. But I saw it too, when she told me. Her heart shattered." I've never seen Noora so mad as well. She licked her lips angrily and looked in front of the car.

"You must be so fucking blind to think that she couldn't love you back. She never said it, but I know she did. Would she have broke down like this if she didn't give a shit about you?

Don't pretend that you were the only one confused. You're just the only one that fucked up bad like this. She didn't think we could hear her yesterday but she literally cried herself to sleep last night. And Eva told me, that she woke up in tears today as well.

And she cried all day, when she told us about you. She fucking cares, dumbass!"

I cried hard now. Real sobs and tears, just like her, yesterday.

"She doesn't need me—" I began.

"Oh I hope she doesn't. Because knowing you, you probably don't have the balls to tell her about your feelings. So she'll have to live with this." She opened the passenger door again and stood up.

She leaned in the car and said: "You're tears would have touched me a day ago but today they only leave me cold, I don't care, asshole. And don't you fucking feel sorry for yourself, you don't deserve it after all this." She said, slammed the door and left inside the house again.

I cried for a little while, I don't know for how long. I wasn't hungry anymore.
I wanted to get out of the car, when my phone rang.

"Yes, William?" I said.

"Need you to be here as quick as possible. Some guys have started a fight. Send you the location." Then he hung up.

Fuck.