Back in Boston. We talked but only a little. I guess neither of us really knows what to say. I don't know what's going to happen, but I love Eleanor. I still need some time, maybe a lot of time, but she says she can wait. If we get back together everyone will think I'm stupid though. I don't understand why I can't have what they all have. And then there's Livi, who told Will that if we get back together she'll kill herself and I think she really means it this time. But regardless, I can't decide if we even should get back together or not. It feels so right and so wrong at the same time. I just want to feel okay again, which I haven't felt since the night before the break-up. I really thought, then, that she was sure too. Strange how it can change like that, so quickly. What does she need? More consistency? Communication? I know it's my own fault she cheated, no matter what everyone else says. But I promise I'll be better. Or I'll try to be. If we get another chance, I promise I'll try so so hard to better. Even if it kills me. Gods. Just have to be careful. Pay attention to everything. Think carefully before you say or do or think anything, in case it could possibly upset her. Make sure to communicate every single detail. Tell her when and why you're upset—or better yet, just don't get upset in the first place. Shower her in compliments and do whatever it takes to make sure she knows you love her. Always put her needs first. Know the consequences if you screw up are so much worse than any scar. And do all that and maybe, maybe she'll think that you're good enough. Maybe then she'll know that you meant it. And maybe then it'll be okay. Maybe then you'll be allowed to be happy. Maybe, just maybe, this time you can finally get to that part.
