Eleanor and I fought pretty bad last night. I really hate fighting with people because I usually get a temper and I always say things I regret later. But we talked this morning and I don't think she's mad at me anymore. At least they're not really acting like it. I spent most of the day at the hospital again. And yes being here makes me feel a bit like I can't breathe. That night was awful. It's a blur to me now, but I remember Will sneaking out, getting drunk, getting hit. I remember calling an ambulance. I remember bringing a kitchen knife out of the drawer and, without really thinking about it, drawing a cut down my arm, then just staring, shocked like, what the hell did I just do? Stop. I don't want to think about that. But anyway I think physically Eleanor will be fine in a couple of days but mentally not so much. We're talking about sending her to a hospital like the one I went to a few months ago. If that happens I'll miss her a lot but I really want her to get better. I'd do anything to help her but love can't fix a mental illness and I feel like by trying I'm only making it worse. When I told Dad about Eleanor he wanted me to come home but with the wildfires going on over there and my intense fear of not-in-control fire I think I'm fine staying in New York fora while and he gets that. He's still checking in on me a ton and asking for updates about everything and I think most kids would find that annoying but I'm glad for it.
After the fight Livi asked me how it went, since Eleanor had borrowed her phone to talk to me. I said "horrible" which was true and of course she wanted to know if we'd broken up. But more in a hopeful way than a concerned way. Gods I wish she would just back off. She told me she didn't hate me and she wanted us to be friends and I said she had a weird way of showing it. She literally said just thinking about me made her have a panic attack. Which isn't fair since I really haven't done anything to her. She's done way more to me than I've done to her. It's like my very existence is unbearable to her. Since this has started—this thing with Livi and Eleanor—it feels like everything's different. Good and bad different. A good thing, obviously, is loving Eleanor. She makes me feel like I actually have a chance. She makes me want to live because suddenly it feels like there's something worth living for. I can't remember what there was before her. The Olympics? That seems so trivial now. Anyway. The other stuff, good and bad, well I probably shouldn't talk about it because. Just because it will prove what a horrible person I am.
