I need something to focus on right now or I'm gonna relapse again. Earlier Will asked me to come over and at one point Annabeth came over with a pregnancy test. It said negative but I'm still paranoid. I like Annabeth though. We're not super close but she's someone who I feel like I can trust easily. There aren't that many of those. It's been a few years since I've had an older sister, since Emily died, and I miss it. A lot. Will was really upset about a nightmare he had had but he didn't want to tell me about it. He just begged me not to leave. So I told Eleanor I was going to stay the night and she said okay but then she texted me "don't bother coming home" and then wouldn't answer any of my calls or messages. Will and I went over and I found her passed out in the bathroom. I called an ambulance and we're at the hospital now. She's still unconscious. I feel numb. I knew she wasn't doing very well but I didn't realize it was this bad. You promised to talk to me if you felt like that. Why would you say you were going to be okay if you weren't. Did me leaving push you over the edge? The last words she said to me "I love you" are ringing in my ears. Did you mean it? Did you say that knowing already what you were going to do? Gods, I'm so stupid. I never should've left her. Fuck. FUCK. This is all my fault. I deserve to be hurt. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I'm such an idiot. I let this happen. Why didn't you talk to me? Why didn't Silas talk to me? She's my girlfriend for gods' sake. But he told Livi. And she told Will and he told me. Who knows how long she was in the bathroom hurting herself? And I had no idea. I hate him. I hate Livi. I hate Eleanor for not talking to me. Do you even care about me? Don't you know how much worse I would be if you were dead? Doesn't that matter to you? Do I not matter to you? What did I do? What did I not do that I should've done? I've done everything I can and you still killed yourself because you don't care. If you cared you'd say something. If you cared you wouldn't just leave me on read and not pick up when I call you. If you cared you would say something. But you didn't because you don't.
