There are a lot of things I want to say to you. First of all. How dare you kiss Livi. How dare you do that. You knew I've always been insecure because of her. You knew how much it would hurt me. I didn't deserve to be hurt like that. And yet you did it anyway. It's your fault.
Second. I'm sorry. I'm so so so sorry for everything. I'm sorry I ever made you feel like you weren't good enough. I'm sorry for all those times I left instead of facing my feelings. I knew it would hurt you and I still did it. You didn't deserve that either. So I'm sorry.
Confession: I still read your journal. Will says that I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. But I can't stop myself. I need to know. I need to know you're okay. I need to know if you're happy with Livi or if you miss me. I want to forgive you so bad. But I'm scared. Scared to let you in again. Scared to get hurt again. Will says I need to build trust slowly and I know he's right. I know this is up to me to fix. Not him. Not Vie. Not my dad. Only me. It's not something big. There are no lives at stake here.
The truth is, I don't know if I can bear to go back to New York again. Camp Half-Blood will always be a part of me and my life, but I admit, I hate it there. There are too many sad memories that I associate with it. Austin's gone. Will's gone. Vie will be leaving in July. When I'm there, I feel so... unwanted now. They don't need me. Nobody really notices or cares whether I'm there or not. The only reason I ever came to New York in the first place was because it was supposedly safer there but let's be honest, I'm no threat to anyone. I really see no point in staying there. And the fact that Will can come visit me with a snap of his fingers means I pretty much have no reason to come back to the States at all. Well, except for Vie's wedding. But other than that. I have a family here that I'd really like to spend more time with. I'm so sorry that couldn't include you, the way we planned for it to. But maybe I can finally have a chance at a normal life. You're lucky, you know. You'll be mad at me for saying that but I'd give anything to be mortal. You aren't constantly worried you could get attacked, or you could lose your sibling or your friend any minute. I bet you've never been in a war, either. I bet you've never been kidnapped as bait for a father who you had already convinced yourself wouldn't come. You've never seen your brother die right in front of you while you screamed and begged him to wake up. You've never ever visited the deepest part of the underworld to convince your other brother to come home. No, Ellie. You don't know a damn thing about my life. I'm truly sorry that I have to do this. But I do hope you understand. I'm not trying to abandon you. I'm just trying to do the right thing. The thing that's best for me. But I mean it when I say I do want to be a part of your life still. A part of me hasn't given up that dream of you in a white dress, of family traditions and aquariums and a house plant. But maybe that dream is for someone else. If that's not where our roads lead, then I hope we are close sister-in-laws. I wonder if I would go to your wedding, or if Livi would insist against that. I wonder if that will cause a fight between the two of you. I wonder if you'll remember, then, the day you told me that in ten years you wanted to marry me. I laughed, that day, at the absurdity of it. Me! Who ever would've thought I'd be a bride, of all people? Well, not me, that's for sure. But I hope she treats you right and realizes just how lucky she is. I hope she holds you so tight. I hope she makes you feel safe. As safe as you felt when you were with me. I hope you're happy. But selfishly, I hope you're not quite as happy as you were when we were together.
Eleanor, I miss you. I miss you so much that it takes everything in me not to reach out. I love you. I always have and I think a part of me always will, no matter what path we take. I hope you know how much I love you. I hope you feel it as you drift tonight. I hope you feel it every time you feel sunshine on your skin or hear a Taylor Swift song like the ones we used to sing at the top of our lungs and then fall on the bed laughing. I hope you remember how incredible you are. Remember, please, how much you deserve to be loved. Every single part of you is perfect and amazing and beautiful. I'm not saying this is goodbye. But I'm saying, if it is goodbye, then I wish you the very best and I hope you get everything you wanted in your life.
Love,
Your Little Pitcher
