One thing my therapist said that really stuck with me was something like "You don't have to love you body but you do have to respect it. Imagine you switched bodies with someone you love and then take care of it the way you would if it was theirs." I hate that I'm still stuck on this. I feel like I "should have" gotten past this by now and part of me's worried Eleanor is tired of it or wondering how much longer it's going to take. Maybe she's thinking I've been in therapy long enough that I should have everything sorted out by now. I wish it worked like that. I'm really not looking forward to telling my therapist I've started doing that thing again. I know from experience cutting my skin open doesn't solve anything—and if anything it just makes it worse but then why do I still want to so bad. I don't know. Why does it always feel like something good is coming to an end. Like how Will hasn't like talked to his family in months and maybe this really is the last time. I wonder what he'll do now, live at camp forever? Will he still become a doctor or does he not care about that anymore? I wonder if he'll ever meet someone else or if his heart will always belong to Nico. Forget it. I just hope whatever he does he's happy and doesn't waste his life dwelling on the past like I do. Is it because I'm scared of the future? Yeah I guess. What if I just suck at everything? What if I spend the rest of my life broken? I feel like I'm failing as a girlfriend, as a sister, and as a daughter all at the same time. How is it possible to have so many people love you and still feel so lonely?
