to me is realizing you actually are allowed to wear twirly dresses and makeup and like "girly" things and all of that doesn't make you weak or ditzy or whatever. And I have a feeling not having a mom and having mostly brothers and lesbian stereotypes and just society in general were all contributors to me hating the idea of being perceived that way. I kinda wish someone had told me sooner that I don't have to apologize for being a girl. I don't know where this is coming from, it's just been in the back of my mind for a while.
Will told me he got accepted to a medical school in Toronto and I think I want him to go more than he does. I was only staying in New York for him anyway. And then Eleanor, but then she broke up with me. So it's just perfect, isn't it? I'm not so worried about monsters since he's older and I'm not that powerful anyway—I mean I haven't had any trouble with them when I've been staying with Eleanor and even if I did I'm pretty confident I could take them especially with what Dad gave me last year. Anyway. Last night Eleanor said I love you and I almost said it back immediately but then I hesitated. And then I did say it. I hope she doesn't take it like I want to be with her. I love her but that doesn't mean I'm ready to be with her right now, or anyone for that matter. I don't know. I feel like I've spend the last few years either in a relationship or wanting to be in a relationship and it can get to be...a lot. I don't think I can make that kind of a commitment right now. I think everyone can agree I got way ahead of myself with Eleanor. I want to see what happens when I don't try to force it and when nobody is trying to kill us or threatening to kill themselves.
