There are some things I think inside my head that are so bad I'm scared to write them down here in case Eleanor or someone reads it. I think that's beside the point of the journal. The point is I'm supposed to write exactly how I feel and things like that. But if I don't write them down or anything then it's easier to pretend they weren't ever real thoughts that came into my head. Here is one thing I can write here that I don't care if Eleanor reads: I tried to used the sweatshirt...thing the other day when she was at work. Right away I felt like shit and so I buried it in the bottom of the trash bin and then I took two showers before I felt normal again. And then I started crying. I felt like I'd done something really really bad. I didn't, right? So why do I feel like that. Yesterday I kissed Eleanor and it was fine until she said she felt overwhelmed when I started using tongue and she said it was too much, and all I really heard was the "too much" part. I know she didn't mean that I'm too much. But that's what I'm always worried about, being too much. Going too far. I don't want to hurt her. Today she apologized for being a bad girlfriend (which she isn't) and then she said I take it too personally sometimes when she says she doesn't want to do stuff. I don't think I do. Do you think she ever tries to consider how I feel about this? Like, maybe I need reassurance too but I'm too afraid to ask because I hate myself for it. She told me I'm making it better. It doesn't seem like it. I think despite my efforts, I'm only making it worse.
