I went to camp today. It's the first day since Eleanor's been back from the hospital so I was really hesitant to go, but she insisted. So I went. It's because I told her about the Olympics, which are just over a year away. Part of me was hesitant to say anything. I don't know. It just feels like a dream I had in another life. A simpler time. It's not a big deal, I wanted to say. But I know they'd insist it is. There's one part that I haven't voiced aloud. Why I decided to do it. I want to do it for Austin. He was always so excited about it. Maybe more excited than I was. And I guess that's why I kind of gave up on that dream. It wouldn't be the way I'd imagined. It would be different. What was the point, suddenly, if he wasn't there to watch? I think there's another reason too. That I want to do it. I think I want to prove something. Like. Yeah the past few years have been hard. Gods, that's an understatement. But I'm not going to let that stop me. That would be giving up, and if there's one thing I don't make a habit of doing, that would be it.
Anyway. When I was first hesitant to leave Eleanor said she was going to do something with Livi, and I started wondering if maybe I should say something about how I feel about that but seeing the way Eleanor was when I got back I don't think I need to worry. She apologized for complaining but it makes me feel better. Makes me less worried she's going to start liking Livi again or something. Then again Livi could just as easily convince Eleanor to kill herself. And with the day being only ten days away I don't think I could bear that. I really couldn't. I need them just as much as they need me.
