Ok so I feel like I've been staring at this page for hours trying to figure out how to put my thoughts into words. Eleanor is asleep and I know I should be too but I can't. My mind is too loud. Everyone keeps asking if I'm okay but honestly I've been spiraling so much lately. It's taking everything in me not to relapse. I want to ask for help. I know I'm supposed to. But I just can't. I don't want them to worry. I don't want to tell anyone why because I feel like I deserve it and asking for help makes me feel like I'm acting like a victim and UGHH. It's one of the worst feelings ever. Wanting reassurance so bad and at the same time feeling like you don't deserve it. I don't understand why Eleanor is being so nice to me. I half wish she was still yelling and throwing stuff at me instead. But I'm at her house almost all the time and she tells me she loves me just as much as before. It just makes me more anxious instead of calmer like it usually does. Like it did when we first got together and I felt like I was walking on eggshells and everyone was watching and waiting for me to screw up. And I don't know how to talk about any of this. Especially to Eleanor.
