better than anyone

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The other day I told Will something. We were talking about Nico, and I told him that you can't really make yourself love someone. I've been thinking about that, and I realized I think I know that better than just about anyone.

Eleanor and I do It now. Not a lot, just sometimes. Just because we want to. A few months ago we told each other we were sure we didn't want to, but I guess a lot of things can change. Eleanor told me she thinks about it a lot. That surprised me. Not like, in a bad way....We can't do it here though, since we don't really want to risk my dad or someone coming in. I don't really know how he'd react. I mean he's pretty chill as parents go, I think. Like he doesn't care if I swear, as long as I don't do it in front of Lacy. I did get in trouble for the alcohol that one time which makes sense (I was really hungover the next day) but he didn't find out about the other thing and I'm planning on keeping it that way. He said once that it's fine with him as long as I'm safe and smart and stuff but still I'd really rather not have him know about that. Or walk in on it. So because of that, plus our jobs (Eleanor is going to start working at the ballet again soon), and the fact that Eleanor is still really anxious about cars means we're probably not going to stay in Canada for long. At this point the words "Livi is going to kill herself" are completely meaningless to me. Am I a bad person for saying that? Will says if anyone kills me because of Livi he'll kill them. Even if it was his own kids. 

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