I asked Nico if he still loved Will. "Yes." "Does he know that?" "No." "Why not?" "I tell him but..." "Do you show him?" "I don't think I can right now. Can't do much of anything right now." It seems to me like he's trapped then because he's not going to stop being depressed if he and Will can't work things out and they can't work things out if he's depressed. I think I asked that because of last night. When Will was upset and asked me to come over. He didn't ask for Nico. He asked for me. I'm not saying it's Nico's fault. But I still hate him.
Eleanor has been awake for a few hours now. The only time I left was when Will made me come with him to the cafeteria but unsurprisingly I really can't make myself eat and even thinking about it makes me want to throw up.
I really did think she was at least a little better. Maybe it was just me who was better. And I was selfish and thought that meant she was too. I yelled at Silas when I found out. Maybe I was too hard on him. He did try to help, sort of. I don't understand why he told Livi and later Will and not me. I'm so tired of not being told things, of being the last to know everything. Eleanor is my girlfriend. Not Livi's. I'm the one who's supposed to know these things. I'm the one who's supposed to keep these things from happening. But I'm just the stupid, over dramatic, incompetent girl who doesn't know anything.
She told me she did it because everyone hates her and and it would make everything better. How many times do I have to tell them and show them that they're important to me? I'm still not good enough. I don't know what to do. I know it's mostly Livi. And the baby thing. Neither of which are my fault. Both of which are out of my control. I miss how we were a week ago. It feels like there's been a lot less smiling and laughing and kissing and a lot more crying and comforting and arguing and confusion and "let's make today a good day"s. And that's fine. Of course it's fine. No relationship is going to be perfect. But it feels so much heavier. Why do we have to have so much pain and hurt and sadness and anger? Or maybe the point of life is that it's not easy but it is worth it. Because in the end we'll be happy. I need to hold onto that hope. That in the end we'll be okay.
