I don't know how to tell you how important you are to me without making you feel guilty. I used to feel a lot like Tori. Everyone else seemed to know how to talk, to express how they felt. Everyone just knew how to act, how to be. And then there was me and on the outside you'd never guess but on the inside I just felt so alone all the time. I didn't have the words to explain what I was feeling. Sometimes I think I still don't. Like tonight. I thought there was something. Maybe I was wrong. I don't know. I'm worried about Will. Has there been a time in the last seven years when I haven't been? Probably not. It's just complicated, this whole thing. I wish everything had gone differently. I wish I had been able to find the words sooner, but it always came out wrong. I wish we had both listened to each other more. I really wish he had been better to you but that's not something I can control. I still wish we were siblings but that our dad wasn't our dad, you know? Maybe in another life things work out differently. Maybe in another life you instead found someone who loves you as much as you loved him. Maybe that can still be this life, someday. I don't know. I really don't.
I guess having sex with Eleanor was the only time I really didn't hate my body and didn't feel self-conscious and nothing else existed but us and that's what I miss. Being that vulnerable and yet not feeling like I needed to hide. I just don't understand where it went wrong. And I'm terrified to bring it up for so many reasons like what if you suddenly feel pressured to do something you don't want then I'm just an asshole and what if you don't want to be my girlfriend anymore. You literally told me when we started dating that you didn't want to do any of that stuff and I said I didn't either but I never thought I'd change my mind. And you changed yours but then you changed it back and I still don't really understand why. And I don't know how I'm supposed to just go back to the way it was before we did all that. And if I did ask and you said you never wanted to do anything like that again would I be okay with that? What if I'm not? Then what?
