When I was first researching BPD, I read something about how there are some people who will bounce between hyper-sexuality and sex-repulsed. Basically sex with another person is thought of as a form of validation, love, reassurance, attention, etc., while repulsion is used as a kind of defense mechanism to prevent rejection and being vulnerable. We also have this almost constant feeling of emptiness and that just seems like the best way to fill it, even if it is only temporary. I think that all makes a lot of sense. It sort of explains the thing I did in December. I'd been feeling so emotionally invalidated that I decided to settle for the physical kind instead. It also explains why I've been feeling so...much like that the past few days. Which okay is also past of what's been bothering me but no way in hell am I going to tell anyone that. I feel so gross and disgusting even thinking it and I hate myself for feeling this way which is stupid because it's NORMAL REMEMBER. But Eleanor is maybe starting to trust me again? And I really really don't want to risk ruining that.
