I scheduled an appointment with my therapist but til then she reminded me to keep writing in this. It feels pointless but I'm going to keep doing it anyway. I thought it would be fitting, doing it the same way James tried to all those months ago, but I think I maybe chickened out at the last second. So physically I'm fine, and Will took me back to Toronto. He's upset that I'm not there. But I'd much rather this than go back to the hospital like he suggested. It's nice to be home. I'm pretty sure Eleanor doesn't know about any of this. If she does, she probably thinks I hate her because I left. Speaking of Eleanor...I don't know. Yesterday while I was still in Boston she asked if she could kiss me. My first thought was to say no, that I needed more time still to figure things out, but I chickened out and said okay. So I guess I was scared she'd change her mind about being willing to wait. But thennn I saw what would happen if we got back together, at least right now, and it was horrible. I can't let that happen. I love Eleanor too much to lie to her like that. So I tried to explain but not really cuz I know I did a terrible job. I don't know what to do. I'm so stupid. Burning bridges and pushing people away. I know I've been selfish. Only thinking about myself and not Will even after how much he's tried to help. I've made him think he wasn't enough. No amount of loving someone can cure mental illness, something I've learned recently. It'll have to take more than that. But it's so hard and it feels like we're going in circles. I wonder if any of Will's family cares about what happened. I'd be really surprised if they did. Why am I even bringing it up? They didn't care any of the other times so why would they care now. WHY DO I CARE?? The world doesn't revolve around you, Kayla. They don't have to care.
Please let everything work out in the end.
Please let us be okay.
