Here's how everything's going right now.
James, Frankie, Phe, and Estelle went on a quest even though Will told them not to. I don't know why they went. Frankie told me they're in danger. I don't know why. And then Estelle died. I don't know how. I went to see Will yesterday. He said a total of three words to me the whole time I was there. When he gets really sad he completely shuts down. He'll stay in bed for days. He didn't even question it when I asked if he had any bandages because the ones on my wrist were starting to soak through. I know I went too deep again. At least I've been doing it less often lately. I don't think about it as much as I used to. When Eleanor asked why I did it I told her I deserved it but it came out more like a question than I meant it to. I don't think I really believe that I deserve it anymore. Who deserves that? I'm making sense for once. Maybe I'm healing. On the inside. Eleanor is a big part of it. To be honest I think that the fact that the weather is getting warmer does have a lot to do with it too. November through January was the hardest. Everything really does feel a lot more hopeful when the sky is blue and the trees are green. The whole world is alive and I realize I want to be too. Life is such a miracle and I want to live to enjoy every minute of it. I feel bad for the people who choose to have hate in their hearts. I think life is much too short for that. I think life is for loving and being loved, for laughter and music and sunshine and spinning around in circles until you're so dizzy that you fall into a heap. There's just no room for hate. Maybe the point is that it's not always going to be easy, but you have to keep finding a reason to keep going anyway.
Every time Eleanor and I fight, I feel like it's the end of the world. I don't understand her sometimes and I'm always worried I need to be doing more. And yes, sometimes I wonder if she only stays with me because she doesn't want to be alone. I feel really bad for the other night. Other couples make it seem easy. I'm not sure if it's what I want or not to be honest, but I think if it gets in the way of our relationship at all then it's not worth it. If we decide it's not for us then that's okay. And if we decide to wait a while, then that's okay too. There's no rush on these things.
I wish I could help Will. I wish Nico was a better partner to him. I'm stuck between "I want to do something" and "they'll work it out themselves." I think trying to step in will just make it worse. Like most things, it's out of my control.
