Dirty Little Heart

The Past Follows.

I rush back home as quickly as I could. I panic like I first did when I was four.

"This can't be happening," I think to myself.

I was careful. That life behind me long ago.

I was so f*cking careful

I sit on the sofa, trying to take it all in. And all I could think of is.

He found me, Roger found me.

I rush to the kitchen, take out the bottle of wine, and start drinking, just to convince myself that I can solve this. As soon as the liquor hits me, I instantly get all these flashbacks of my childhood.

About my father, his brother, being screwed up by my aunts and then finally at my worst nightmare.

"Roger."

I get a text from Nat asking me where I was. Living with her sure made me feel safe. If I don't revert to her for more than an hour, she goes all Hard to tackle detective throwing her sweet self away. If I tell her what I just saw today? She's gonna toss all the hard work she did living in California and asks us to move to another place just for my security. I can't ask her to do this. Not for me.

----------Knock knock---------

Sh*t, I must have dozed off. I look at my watch and it's almost 11.

I look at the bottle of wine on the table. It's almost empty. I am a mess, no doubt about that.

I gather all the drunken strength in me and walk over to the door.

As soon as I grab the handle, I stop.

It's not Natalia. She won't ever knock. She's got the keys.

-------- KNOCK KNOCK--------

The knocking goes louder and louder each time I step back in terror.

I cover my ears from keeping myself from listening to my death.

Eventually, the knocking stopped.

I control my rapid breathing by covering my mouth with my hand.

I close the gap between the door-nob and me. Suddenly, someone bangs the door as if they are trying to break it.

I ran towards my room so fast that I was followed by an animal trying to make me his dinner.

I close the door behind me, cover my ears again and I could feel tear drops falling down my cheeks.

I wanted this to stop long ago. I don't deserve this. I don't want to go back to where I was before.

And it hit me. Since I was born, every single person I came across screwed my life as if they owned it. I couldn't make that happen again.

I stand up and grab my lamp, which I could use if I needed to defend myself. I unlock the door and rush back to the front door. I get into position as I see the door being unlocked.

If I have to fight, the least I can do is look directly into his eyes and tell him to f*ck off.

The door swings open and I close my eyes, swinging the lamp in the air filled with aggression.

"What the h*ll are you doing, Angelica?!"

What? It's a woman's voice.

I open my eyes and look at Natalia attached back to the door, securing herself from any unwanted injury.

It's....Natalia.

She looks directly into my eyes, trying to figure out who exactly she was living with.

My body goes numb. I couldn't feel my legs, I couldn't feel my fingers, I couldn't feel my body.

All I could feel was my heart racing back down.

Nat slowly takes the lamp from my hands and puts it beside the table, out of my reach. She closes the door behind her and locks it.

I could feel that she was asking me a bunch of questions, but I couldn't properly hear them. What the h*ll is she trying to say?

With no further ado, I feel a set of fingers on my shoulders, guiding me to sit on the couch in the living room.

I stay silent.

-----Angie....Angie?....ANGELICA!-----

"Huh..What?"

I look around the room as my eyes wake up. The blurriness around me fades away.

"What's going on?" I ask.

"You blacked out. And you attacked me," Says Nat.

"What? I...I attacked you? But, Why?"

"That's what I wanted to know. What the h*ll happened? Was there a break-in? Or was there?..."

"It was him, Nat". I cut in between her.

"Who?" she asks.

I stay silent.

She gets up with aggression on her face.

"What the h*ll happened Angelica? First, you didn't reply to any of my texts. You didn't pick up my calls. You didn't text me back. And now when I come back home I see you in this state and you don't even tell me what the f*ck just happened? How am I supposed to help you like this?"

I could feel her care behind this dominant behaviour of hers. She cares a lot, and she gets scared a lot when it comes to me.

She sits on the table in front of me after taking a long breath and calming herself.

Nat grabs my hand and squeezes it a little, assuring me she was here for me.

She asks again, in a soothing tone this time.

"Angelica, who did you think I was?"

I look directly into her eyes. Anyone could have felt what I was feeling if they saw right through me. This was the first time in my life that I was feeling this vulnerable.

"It was Roger," Nat.

Her eyes widen as she tries to take in what I just told her.

"You what!?" she says.

"I...I saw Roger, He's here in California."

She pushes herself up instantly.

"This isn't possible, Angie."

"I know what I saw, Nat! Do you think I'm lying?" If you do, you might as well just leave my sh*t alone!

She stays silent for a minute. I really thought she would leave me alone. Instead, she hugs me.

We're gonna fight this, okay? We'll figure this out. I'm here for you, you got that?

We're gonna fight this. I know we can.

I break into our hug, and I look intensely at her. And all I could ask her was.

"How?"