Dirty Little Heart

The Whole Truth.

The ambulance came within 5 minutes and they took her into the backside of the van, doing some initial procedures to stop the flow of blood.

"Is she going to be okay?" I cried.

"Ma'am, I can't tell you anything for now, but please cooperate. She needs to get to the hospital ASAP."

I knew all they could do was stop the blood. All I could do now was break down. I never thought Nat would do something like this. I looked down at my hands, and they were all slimy and red. Like I just messed up a can of red paint. For now, I knew I had to be there for her. I took some deep breaths and shook my head.

I went to my car, got inside, and drove behind the ambulance. After a while, we reached there, and they took Nat into the emergency room.

The nurse asked me to wait outside, but I couldn't because I had to be there for her. I just couldn't stay here and wait for them to give me the news whether she...

I had to stay positive. She's fine. She will be fine. It took about an hour after they rushed her inside and the doctor came out.

"Are you the one with Natalia Polinski?" The doctor asked.

"Yes, is she okay?"

"She's going to be fine. Although she has lost a lot of blood but, she's stable."

"Oh, thank god. Thank you, doctor!"

"There is something."

"What is?"

"I'll have to report this to the police."

"Wh.. why?"

"Ma'am, this is a case of suicide. And it's mandatory that we inform the police about it so they can get into it and do some further investigations. You know, the purpose of this.. unwanted incident."

"So, does that mean I?.."

"Yes, you'll have to testify and have a talk with the police, too. They would expect some answer on why Ms Polinski would do such a thing. I hope you understand."

"I... Of course. Anything."

The doctor walks away. I stumbled down the chair, happy about Nat was going to be okay. But I was fucking scared by the police not because I would have to tell them everything about our fight and stuff. But because.. they don't know who I am.

This isn't my true identity.

The nurse asked me to come back in the morning. So I went back to m old place, Nat's place. Unlocking the door again, an air of guilt brushed through my body as I looked over to the side where the blood was, where Nat...

I took a cloth and washed it, trying to clean the blood. Of course, I couldn't just leave it there. My mind wasn't working well for now. It's not like I haven't encountered situations like these before, hell I cut myself off when I wanted to end my trauma. But this wasn't trauma... this was... something else.

After barely cleaning up the blood stain, I took out a bottle of wine from the fridge and started drinking it without even pouring in a glass. I don't know why, but this seemed more like a game to me. Nat doing something she would never in her life would do, her placing the house keys in a place I knew. And why only today? She knew I wasn't coming back. Is she literally trying to distract me by doing things like these?

I don't know.

But I know Nat keeps a journal.

I run upstairs to Nat's room and looked for her journal. I knew she never kept it exposed in her drawer or something. She hid it inside a wall. I just had to figure out which one.

I searched every single area where I thought it would be, but I had no fucking luck. Defeated, I sat down on her bed gazing into the photo frame which was hung up on one side of the wall.

I stalked that photo for a while. We were happy. We were always close to each other and kept nothing. How did it all ended up....here? I got up to grab that frame. Just when I did, a book falls down. It was her journal.

I grabbed it and opened it up while I rushed towards the bed, sitting down and reading it carefully.

--Monday - 12:37--

I just found out that a Chinese/American something guy has a crush on me. My co-workers and friends at work mocked me a lot.

But it was nice to have some attention. The guy is attractive but everyone knows he's not my type so, no.

Haha, Typical Natalia, I think.

--Thursday - 6:54--

Angelica is amazing. She's the best person I've ever met in my whole life. I feel like I can trust her with my life. And I really really do. I just can't wait for her to meet my family.

They are absolutely going to love her! I know I do. XOXO.

"Ugh. I love you too, Nat," I just still do.

I turned a few more pages, thinking she might have written something more, but the pages were almost empty. There was nothing regarding her attempting suicide. Frustrated, I throw the journal away, and a note came out of it.

I picked it up and opened it.

There it is, fucking us.

-

Angelica, I'm sorry.

I know I haven't been the best friend you thought I would be. And if you're reading this, I may have ended up dead or unconscious. I just want you to know I didn't intend to hurt you like this.

The only reason I hired the guy was only to monitor Roger's movements.

When you gave me the news that he was here in California, I knew we couldn't just go to the police. So I hired that spy to monitor his every move. I thought you wouldn't allow me if I asked you to take part in this. And you knowing about it only would have caused more trouble. You've got a whole life ahead of you, Angelica.

And I want to be the last person to mess that up.

I just wanted to keep you safe. You know that, right?

I can never have a friend like you. I'm sorry I messed things up. Please forgive me. Well, I would want to apologize for myself but, I guess now the chances are pretty low.

Stay safe, Angelica.

-Nat.

I crushed the paper after reading every single bit of it and held it in my grip.

"What the fuck have I done?"