misery || b.e

tell me to stop

the afternoon sun filtered through claudia's living room windows, casting warm streaks of light over the couch where y/n sat, knees pulled up to her chest. she wasn't even sure why she came here — only that being alone with her thoughts felt unbearable, and claudia and joshua were the only people who could make the weight in her chest feel a little less suffocating.

but even now, even with them, it was still there. pressing into her ribs, sitting heavy in her throat, refusing to leave her alone.

joshua sat on the floor in front of the coffee table, flipping through a magazine he clearly had no interest in, while claudia curled up in the armchair across from them, nursing a cup of tea.

y/n exhaled, pressing her forehead to her knees. "i was an idiot."

joshua snorted. "well, yeah, but that's not exactly breaking news."

she shot him a glare, but it lacked any real heat. claudia hummed in quiet agreement, blowing on her tea. "he's not wrong."

y/n groaned, dropping her head back against the couch. "okay, great, love the support."

claudia sighed, tucking her legs beneath her. "you wanna actually tell us what happened?"

y/n hesitated, staring up at the ceiling like it held all the answers. her chest felt tight just thinking about it, but she forced herself to speak anyway. "i was just... already pissed off. my dad and i fought right before, and i let it get to me. and then billie showed up and said all these things, and i just—" she exhaled sharply, running a hand over her face. "i was cold. i pushed her away."

she could still see it so clearly. the way billie had looked at her, eyes searching, almost pleading. the way y/n had sat there, acting like she didn't care, like billie's words weren't ripping through her like a storm. she wished she could go back, shake herself, tell herself to just listen.

joshua frowned, setting the magazine aside. "you had every right to, though."

"did i?" y/n muttered. "she told me she still loves me, and i basically told her to go to hell."

claudia and joshua exchanged a glance, and y/n hated whatever silent conversation they just had. she let out a short, bitter laugh, shaking her head. "i think i lost my chance."

joshua scoffed. "a chance at what, exactly? another round of heartbreak?"

y/n flinched.

claudia sighed, setting her mug down. "y/n, i love you, but come on. she's still with jesse."

"i know that," y/n muttered. "i just—" she exhaled sharply, looking away, arms tightening around herself. "she told me she still loves me."

and god, she hated how much she wanted to believe that meant something.

claudia's brows lifted slightly, but she didn't say anything.

joshua, however, let out a humorless breath. "and that was before or after she went home to him?"

y/n clenched her jaw. "you think i don't know how fucked up it is?"

"i think you don't want to."

that shut her up.

she swallowed hard, a lump forming in her throat. because he was right, wasn't he? she didn't want to think about that part. didn't want to think about billie walking away from her and going back to him. didn't want to think about how billie had let herself love someone else, let herself choose someone else, and now, when it was too late, she suddenly didn't know what to do with it.

claudia sighed, shaking her head. "look. you're allowed to be mad. you're allowed to feel hurt. but you're also allowed to regret how it went. both things can be true."