My therapist told me once that I'm most afraid of not being in control. That's why I do things like cutting and not eating. Those are things that create some kind of illusion of control. Self-sabotaging is a big one too because it makes my brain think it will be able to predict what's going to happen. More control. Because there are so many things that are out of my control and that's terrifying to me. That fear correlates with other fears. Like people leaving. Like assault. Like fire. None of those are things I can control. Losing control makes me feel like I'm dying. Like my throat closes up and I can't breathe and my vision is going blurry. Like someone's got their hands around my neck and squeezing.
Last night around midnight I got a call from Will. All he said was "I love you" and I could tell he was crying and I tried ask what was going on but he hung up and wouldn't pick up again when I tried to call back. Eleanor and I went to the hospital and he told me to leave. He went outside and I followed him and then he told me to leave again and I said no. So he said he would do it in front of me and that was what he did. After that was kind of a blur. I grabbed the needle but it was too late so I called Eleanor and tried to do CPR until she told me to let the doctors take over. After that I called Nico and Vie and told them what happened. All I could think was how could you do that to us? To me? I wanted to scream at him and throw things and a lot of other stuff but instead Eleanor just held me the rest of the night. I didn't sleep. I couldn't risk revisiting that. Him telling me he couldn't do it anymore. That I'd be okay. Telling me to marry Eleanor, which I can't imagine doing without him there. And me telling him I hated him but then realizing if he died I didn't want those to be the last words he heard so I told him I loved him instead. It's funny how quickly things can change. One minute you're on the bathroom floor because you relapsed again and you're just wishing everything would stop and then you're dancing in the living room with your girlfriend joking about doing this same thing at your wedding and you're thinking just maybe things will be okay, and the next minute your best friend is telling you he can't do this anymore and then he stabs himself. I didn't really believe it. Even after I saw it. After Eleanor told me "he's gone." He couldn't be. After everything. But then she was calling my dad and telling me we should go home as in Canada. So that's what we're doing I guess. I can feel my brain starting to do that thing where it completely shuts itself down after feeling too many things and I don't think I have more tears left in me to cry anymore. Thank God for Eleanor. I wonder if Will's family will be nicer to me after this or maybe they'll just stop acknowledging that I exist altogether. Not that they don't do that anyway. I hope Nico asks how I'm doing once in a while but that's probably too much to ask, especially since he blames me for Livi. And probably Will too, just because. I know I do.
