I couldn't sleep the whole night. Which in general is pretty normal. Maybe better, because it didn't give me the chance to have that dream where the cabin is on fire and everyone but me is outside and the door is stuck and they don't bother trying to get it open for me no matter how much I scream. But something's wrong. I can't find my journal—I think I must've left it back home so I bought a new one. Pretty much as soon as I got back to camp Will called me. He kept saying "where is Eleanor" and then he started yelling at me about how I shouldn't trust Dad, someone is going to kill themself because of me, and that I'm stupid, I ruined everything and he hopes I die alone, and finally that he's never talking to me again. He's said most of those things to me before, but usually at least I understand what's going on. All I know is I seriously screwed up. Again. And I asked Dad to wipe my memory of someone. My girlfriend? Will said I was happy. I don't understand how I could be if I pulled something like that. Why would I want to forget someone I loved? Only now I just lost the person I love the most and all I can hear is "glad I know the kind of person you are and it's not the kind I want to be friends with." Naturally I did what I always do: cry like a baby to one of my siblings—in this case Vie—and be a massive burden to them. Only Vie's getting married in exactly a week and soon I won't have anyone to go to. I'm going to have to take over as head counselor. I always thought I'd have more time. But that's one thing I never have. What if I'm not ready for that kind of responsibility? What if I just don't want it? I could go back to Canada or even go and beg Artemis to take me back. Maybe she'd say yes. Last time, none of my siblings supported my decision and they all got upset. But this time, one of them is dead, one never wants to see me again, and one is leaving too. So it doesn't matter what any of them think. When I got back I expected Will to be excited to see me but now I guess I'm not going to be seeing him again. Typical me, running away from my problems. But I don't care. I'm not okay.
