So like yesterday I talked to Eleanor and I really did try to be honest but it didn't work (not that I thought it would) and she hates my guts and wishes she never met me. Then today, Arya asked me out. At least I think she did. I swear it didn't even cross my mind as a date when I agreed to it. She asked what did I like to do and then mentioned that she used to like going to the arcade and would I want to come with her so I said sure. Because why not. I didn't want to be rude and say no and anyway it did sound like fun. Instinctively I was about to grab her hand because I always hold Eleanor's hand when we go anywhere. I was thinking about Eleanor. But then Arya did hold my hand without even asking and I didn't want to be rude by pulling away. Then Dad texted me all "oooo you're on a date with lover girl" and I told him it wasn't a date but he said it sure looked like one and then I was thinking did she really ask me out on a date less than two days after I told her very specifically not to fall in love with me and then I couldn't just tell her "I changed my mind I want to go home" because I didn't want to disappoint her. And okay we did have fun. She told me I smelled good. Like lemongrass. Eleanor once told me I smelled like strawberries and rainbow water, whatever that means. I forgot about how much I hated myself for a few hours. But I kept wishing it was Eleanor I was with instead of her. I almost pretended I was with her. That we were just on a normal date like everything was fine and I hadn't crushed her heart into a million pieces a few days ago. Which is so unfair Arya because she's probably the nicest person I've ever met and deserves someone who is a hundred percent sure of her when I'm not even very sure I think of her as more than a friend. And then I started hating myself again. I am sorry. I'll keep being sorry forever but it's not going to change anything. I'm sorry I hurt Eleanor. I'm sorry I didn't talk to her, that I was a manipulative bitch, that she alone wasn't enough for me. That I was scared of people dying and of having to live with knowing it was my fault. That I felt like that thing I don't know how to put into words but makes me want to die. And also that thing where there's a billion voices in my head all yelling at me and I have to do SOMETHING. And unfortunately I've learned cutting doesn't fix that. And I did love her. And I do. And I always will. Will got super mad at me for going on a date less than a week after I broke up with my "soulmate" and I told him he's not my dad and I'm allowed to date whoever I want and what I really wanted to say was if you love Eleanor so damn much why don't you just go and marry her yourself. It's not like Eleanor is perfect either. There were plenty of rough spots and that's not only because of Livi. I still think it's bullshit that he's this mad at me for breaking up with her. It makes me think he just thought I was a burden and he was glad to be getting rid of me. But I didn't say any of that. I just told him to forget it. That I just needed a distraction from Eleanor. "Then go work, shoot a fucking arrow, go home." Yeah except I can't just be okay with that anymore. I can't just go back to normal like the last six months didn't happen. It doesn't help that I keep waiting for updates from Livi that don't come. She's the one I did all of this for so you'd think she'd act a little more grateful and do more with the opportunity. But no. Last I heard she said she just needed to wait longer. And there are so many reasons I can't just go back home. One example: back in December when I went home for Christmas and said I might stay there because I wanted to kill myself and I'd already tried twice, Will was really mad and Vie wouldn't talk to me for weeks. So I just kept doing things to make Will mad like dye my hair and hook up with a guy. I admit a lot of that I did because I wanted attention. I'm shitty like that. How far could I go. My main problem is that I'm too damn stubborn for my own good and once I think my way is the best way I refuse to listen to what everyone else thinks. Then everyone's like, this is your fault, you fucked up and ruined everything so why are you so upset. Like I need more reminders. I don't know what I want right now. Someone to take my side? Understand why I did what I did? To be left alone? For everyone to just lay off me for one damn minute and stop telling me how to live my life? Gods. Will is being an asshole. I'm not saying he's the only one because I know I'm being way more of an asshole than he is but damn can't he just keep his mouth shut for one minute. After the hundredth time he told me he hated me I said I was going to kill myself. He told me he didn't believe me but I know he did at least a little bit because he told Dad. That felt good in a "I know I'm a horrible person but I'm too mad to care" sort of way but I know I can't actually do it, as much as I want to, because Vie's wedding is the day after tomorrow and if I died right before it they'd bring me back just to kill me again and seeing as me commiting suicide has already ruined one of my family members' weddings I'd better not do it again if I know what's good for me. So I'll just have to wait. Just three days. Then all of this will be over.
