I saw Eleanor for the first time since we broke up today.
She told me I'd left my bow and arrows there and I could come and get them and I said okay. So we talked a bit and it was sort of awkward. I hugged her really quick before I left. I knew that was risky, but then she hugged back even tighter and I knew it was okay. And then she started crying and I knew if I left at that moment I would never ever forgive myself. So I asked if she wanted me to stay and she didn't say no so I did. And I asked what I could do and she said she didn't never want to see me again and she thought she'd make that clear. And then I wondered if she was going to kiss me because wow I really wanted her to kiss me despite the fact that she'd thrown up only a few minutes ago, but she didn't. And I was thinking gods Kayla you really shouldn't think that you want her to kiss you when you were the one who screwed everything up but I don't think I could help wanting to kiss her. But of course I want her to kiss me because no matter how many times I tell myself it's not going to work out I love her differently than I've ever loved anyone and I know I'll never feel like that for anyone else. Even though I'm only fifteen. If ten years from now I'm married to someone totally different and Eleanor is only a distant memory I'll still look back and wish things had turned out differently than they did. I think that's how it is with your first love. Not your first kiss or the first person you date or do It with. The first person you really truly love. You can't ever forget something like that. You don't want to. It wouldn't be right to even try. And maybe I'm stupid for even daring to think maybe maybe maybe she wants to consider something. That this is just another page in our story and it hasn't already ended. But if there's even one tiny chance I could have that then I swear to every god out there I would do every single thing within my power to keep it this time. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm rushing into all this. But what's the point of waiting when you know you love someone? When you know it like you've never known anything else? I don't see any. It's like what Eleanor said the other day. We can't just be too scared to love each other forever. That's no way to live, is it? Eleanor is maybe the only thing in my whole life I've ever done right. And all the times I tried to push her away always felt wrong. I'd tell myself every single time that I thought I was doing the right thing but I never actually believed that. Looks like Will was right. Like he always is. And thank gods for that.
