Vie got married the other day. It was really nice. I wish Will hadn't left early. He better not try and pull that at my wedding. Anyway, I can't believe how much my family has changed since last summer. One sibling dead, the other two married, two stepparents and two new step-siblings, not to mention the new nieces and nephews and great-nieces and great-nephews. And besides that there was moving multiple times, my first kiss, first girlfriend, and a lot of other firsts. It's a lot. Yesterday Eleanor asked me to help her set up her new bed. She got rid of all her furniture. At first I was scared she decided to move but she said that all the furniture reminded me of her. So obviously I felt bad about that. Then we went to the beach and she kissed me. And then she started apologizing. I don't understand why she was apologizing. I know she doesn't trust me. Understandably. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells again. I don't know what's okay to do and what isn't. It would be weird to be at her house right? But would she rather me be here because she hates being alone. Why is it so hard for me to tell what people actually want? And why can't everyone just be more clear about what they want in the first place? I can't read minds. I'm probably being a hypocrite right now since I haven't told Eleanor about how I've been wanting to hurt myself all day and I think I jinxed it by telling Will I might be getting better. First of all because I don't have a reason for wanting to and second I don't know how to tell her that without her thinking it's her fault. And third I don't want anyone to worry. What if she tells Will? He's dealing with way too much already. It's easier now to deal with by myself. Just because I want to doesn't mean I'm actually going to.
