Look, I'm not mad that she doesn't want to. I really don't mind. Much. It's just. She says it's nothing to do with me. Right? But honestly I can't believe that. I can't help but feel like I did something really wrong. Like this is all my fault. Eleanor made it sound like I make her want to puke. I know that's not what they meant, but it sure feels like it. It felt like I'd been slapped in the face when she said it. It's kind of like when you're sewing and you make one wrong stitch in the very beginning without realizing it and now you have to go all the way back and start over again. You thought you were doing perfectly but in the end all your work is wasted. Like that but more unsettling because Eleanor is a person, not a piece of thread, and I feel like she's been keeping this from me, maybe for a while. I don't know how I'm supposed to have this knowledge and still have everything the same between us. I mean, I'm always afraid to do anything wrong, and now I know I will even more. Those times we were doing it, did she secretly feel like she was going to puke the whole time? Or did she just decide now that she felt that way, after we haven't in forever? If the first one is the case I'd feel awful. Why wouldn't you say something? And if the second one is the case then what changed? It doesn't make sense unless there's another reason they're not telling me.
