Turning life around

The spiral

The next hours have been hell.

My body was uncontrollably releasing tears, even though anger dominated my sadness.

I was feeling a whole lot of emotions, ones that took me in their spiral and drained me out on the way.

I was sad.
I felt betrayed.
I was furious.
My head was aching and eyes burning.

But most of all, I was confused. Shattered.

Let's be clear. This isn't only a matter of breakup. It's most of my life that got the repercussions! My apartment is also his. We have a joint account in the bank. We're a part of the same friend group. My clothes are stored with his. He's a huge part of the new life built in New York.

Tristan is - was - the most stable relationship I've ever had, even in terms of friendships and connections with others. 

Aside from my grandpa, he's the only person that I was sure to come back home to after a day at work. The one in my emergency contacts. The one I had a possible future with.

Despite all of our problems, we loved each other!

But love isn't always enough, is it?

I can now be for sure he doesn't love me like he should, or else he wouldn't be shoving his tongue in another woman's throat!

Once that idea settles into my mind, I found a little relief in the chaos of my emotions. I was now a bit glad I could see his true colors; I wouldn't wanna waste any more time with someone who'd treat me that way!

I wipe my eyes and try to regulate my breathing.

I've been sitting in my bed for hours, crying into the pillow, but the sleepiness calmed me down and took me to a pitch black world. 

~~~

I woke up the next day around 9 o'clock. I took my sweet time to get ready for the day, since I had a long one ahead of me.

Yes, you heard me. Today I opened my eyes with more peace and determination than someone's would've expected. I turned into self-care mode.

In the shower, I was processing the plan I had in mind to tackle the situation I was facing. Like I always do. This is a method I always use in my life, especially at work. When we face an unexpected and disturbing situation, the first step is to acknowledge it (in that case, I gave myself time to accept my feelings). Step two is usually to get a broad visual of the situation and start planning based on the facts. This is followed by step three, go into action, slowly but surely.

So in the shower, I start debating with myself.

Okay. Tristan cheated. So now I'll have to leave him.

The break is almost over, so he should be expecting me to come back anytime soon. Which leaves me enough time to get a few things in order.

When leaving him I'm also leaving the friend group in New York. But there's only Cam I'm close to, and she seems to be taking my side.

There's also our joint account. That's the easiest part. A few phone calls and a visit to the bank will do.

Now, the apartment. I'll pay my share of the rent, that's not complicated.

Then I'll definitely move in here, in the beach house. Which leaves me the option to work remotely till I at least hear about the program's decision towards my application.

Okay, so these are settled. But I'll need to use the desktop setup I have back in New York.
I'll need help to move my stuff out. I could call Camilla, or go one day with someone so I'd have 2 cars to carry everything, so double the space.

My internal discussion took an end when I got out of the bathroom, fresh and clean, wearing comfy clothes.

Once my room is tidy, I go downstairs to make myself breakfast.