Getting Through Life

Chapter 8: Emotions

Light trigger warning!

I just arrived here. At Leah's.

I'm just standing on her front porch. I don't want to intrude or disturb her, but I can't really stay here. So, I decided to knock on her door.

Nobody opened the door. Of course. She was still at training. I forgot that for a second. That's also why her car wasn't here. It all made sense now.

I didn't quite know what to do, until a woman shouted at me. I turned around and I assumed it was one of her neighbours.

"Do you need to get inside? She normally never has visitors?"

"If you have a key, that would be awesome!", I replied. I didn't want to give her too much information about who I was or why I was here.

"You know, you look very familiar. I recognize you from somewhere", she said while she was fidgeting with her own keys.

I didn't want to reply on that, because I didn't want anybody to know I was staying here a bit. So I just nodded and said "Yeah?, I get that a lot actually".

"Louise! Louise McKay, that young goalkeeper from Manchester City! You look just like her", she exclaimed suddenly.

"Oh yeah? I don't really see it...", I tried to get myself out of it. I was surprised that she actually seemed to believe it.

"Here you go", she said, handing me Leah's door key. Remind me to tell her that maybe she has to find a new safety keeper. If this woman helps everyone into her house... Well, I don't need to say any more do I?

"You're truly amazing! Thank you so much", I thanked her.

I went inside after handing her the key back. I closed the front door. I stood in the hallway and even here, I was already amazed by how organized it was. I live horribly if you compare the two of us. I looked around for a bit and then I moved to the living room.

I hoped she wouldn't mind that I practically broke into her house, but I wanted to surprise her.

Her living room was so cosy. She had really made her house a home. The living room was connected to the open kitchen. It also had a huge window on the side, and if you opened this, you could go into the little garden. The view you had here was also amazing.

I sat down on a sofa and let myself rest for a minute. I also still wanted to go and buy flowers for when she returned. I need to be well rested for that, don't I? The next thing I knew, I was asleep. I didn't realize how tired I had been before I came down. It's all really exhausting to be honest.

I didn't wake up again until two hours later. I heard someone jiggeling their keyes at the door, so I jumped up. Damn it! She's home already and I don't have flowers or anything! Stupid me, why did I have to sleep?

She opened the door and I made myself look presentable in the ten seconds or less that I had.

"Holy shit, you scared the living crap out of me!", Leah shouted while she dropped her bags and gripped at her hart. But even though she almost died, she smiled at me and gulved me in the most loving hug I've ever received.

"I missed you so so much", she whispered in my ear. That was it. I started releasing my emotions from the past week. I had to keep myself strong for everyone, but it was just me and her right now. I started crying silently on her shoulders while still embracing her tightly.

"I missed you too", I sniffeled and kept crying. I didn't bawl my eyes out, but Leah knew I needed this hug. It spoke more than a thousand words could.

So, there we were. She just came home, I just woke up. And we were hugging like we didn't see each other a couple of days ago. Or as Felix would like to call it, we were being penguins.

She let go of me, and looked me in the eyes. I didn't fully see her, because my tears made everything blurry. I looked at her hands which reached for mine. She had a tight grip on them.

"How are you? Don't tell me your fine, tell me what you feel", she said while she moved us to the couch. And again, a tear rolled down my cheek. She is the only one who can make me speak about it all.

"I don't know. I feel empty. And scared. And just so lost. I don't know what I have to do. My parents are dead. I have to make sure my brothers can find a way to go on with their lives without them or me in it. I'm so scared I'll lose anyone else. And then Alex. Freaking Alex just couldn't keep her legs shut, now could she? I'd rather have that I was never born, then be a product of cheating. And now I don't know if I should contact her or ignore her", I vented. I was surprised I didn't need to cry or shout anymore. I felt so empty inside. I was telling Leah all of this like it was a bedtime story. She hugged me again.

"Your brothers will be fine. They still have you, you'll always be a part of their lives. And they've got my mom to look after them. And about Alex, you can't make a wrong decision. Nobody is going to blame you if you try and seek contact. The same goes if you don't want to. It's all up to you. But please, don't shut us out. Your whole team is there for you when you ever need someone. I'll always be here for you, my mother too", Leah whispered in my ear.

"I know, I just don't realise yet that they never actually hated me. I have to get used to the fact I can rely on them. I can't believe my parents were the ones who made my live such a mess. I don't understand why they didn't just come clean. My mom was still my mom. She'll for ever be my mom", I went on. I didn't think I was being fair to Leah right now, but I needed someone to vent to.

"Can you tell me why you feel empty? And why you feel scared or lost? Can you explain it or is it just because", she asked. I didn't know if I could.

"I don't understand my emotions. You know better than anyone I don't deal with them. Ever. Why do I have to if life goes on anyways?", I replied with a sad smile. One she returned.

"I can tell you why I feel empty sometimes. I'm scared and lost sometimes too. But my explanation couldn't come close to yours, because we all have different reasons. And that should never be something you need to be ashamed off", she reassured me. I feel so increadibly safe with her.

"Yesterday I was afraid to go to sleep because I knew when I woke up again, they wouldn't be there anymore. I went to sleep hoping I wouldn't wake up anymore. But then, I did, and I regretted ever tinking that. I hated that I thought I didn't want to live anymore because I do. But then, I felt empty. I'm only seventeen years old, but I don't have anyone in my life anymore who can guide me. Someone who can point out my mistakes and correct them. Someone who can make me feel safe. I just wanted anyone who could fill the emptyness I feel every day. And then I was scared. I was scared of who I had become. Someone who does want to live, but then doesn't. Someone who is alone in life, yet has so many people surrounding her. I'm lost in life because I've lost my anchors. The only people who kept me sane. And now I learned those two people were the ones who betrayed me the most", I stared down the wall. After that rant, I didn't feel anything anymore and just kept staring blankly.

Leah didn't say anything for a few moments. I couldn't blame her after I poured everything out to her.

"I'm proud of you. And the person you've become. I'll always be proud of who you are", She suddenly said. I woke up from my daze and looked her right in the eyes.

I didn't say anything, I just looked at her. And her lips. She looked at mine. I moved closer, and so did she. And then, like the idiot I am, I turned away.

"I want to kiss you so bad right now, but I don't want you to feel like you have to after that", I said shyly. My emotions were going crazy.

"Just shut up and do it already", Leah said full of lust. She grabbed my neck and put her lips on mine.

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AAAH, I just had to! I couldn't let you all wait any longer :-)

What are we thinking everyone??

Should Louise contact Alex or not?

Thanks for reading everyone!