Getting Through Life

Chapter 12: One last time

"And that's why it hurts me so much to tell you this..."

Before I even heard what she was about to say, I was already in tears again. Now, for your information, Leah and I were now dating a little less then two months. So imagine hearing this.

"I cheated on you"

One sentence. All it took for me to completely shut down, was one sentence. That sentence. My ears rung, and my vision became blurry. My hands began to shake a bit. I tried to hang up the phone, but I just couldn't. I was immobile. It was like I was there, except I wasn't. She had made the worst mistake anyone could make in a relationship, but I couldn't let her go. I still love her.

"Please say something", Leah whispered.

"I'll collect my things from your house tomorrow", I tried to sound as cold as I could. I needed to keep my head where it was, otherwise I would crumble down to the floor. 

"Please, Lou"

"Don't call me that. You don't get to call me that anymore", I snapped. I didn't understand. I don't, actually. Why is this happening?

"Why, Leah? We had a good thing going", I asked her. Now, I've lost every person I could lose but my brothers. My parents are dead. Alex left me. My team had left me a long time ago. They didn't even need to, they never really connected with me anyways. G and Steph left me. And now Leah. My Le.

"I'm so, so sorry. I was drunk and I guess I didn't know what I was doing. I know for a fact that I was thinking of you, and this person who looked like you came across. I think I mistakenly took her for you. I know that's not an excuse, I just want you to get the whole story right. I never meant to cheat on you", she explained calmly. We both knew our very short relationship was over now. But somehow, neither of us could let go. Neither of us could hang up the phone. Neither wanted to clarify if it all was over now between us. I knew I wouldn't.

"Why does all of this keep happening to me?", I whispered to no one in particular.

I wanted nothing more than her to just be here, next to me. I wanted to break and fall apart in her arms, while she whispered sweet nothings in my ear. I wanted her to comfort me, even though she didn't have any reason to believe what she would say herself. 

"I'm coming over", she said. No, she stated that as if it wasn't up for debate. I wasn't going to argue. I still needed her. Somehow she is the only person capable to calm me down. I'm almost embarrased by admitting this but I really, really needed her.

"Yeah", I whispered. I didn't mean to say that out loud, but I also didn't care whether she had heard it or not. We stayed on the phone, yet neither of us dared to speak. I don't know whether to define this silence as comfortable or uncomfortable. On one aspect, I loved to just be with her, in any form. But on the other, she was no longer the person she was before she told me the worst news anyone can receive. 

"I'm here"

"I'm still in the locker room"

"I know"

Those simple words were the end of our conversation. She finally hung up.

Not half a minute later, someone knocked on the door. I didn't want to go and open it, because I didn't think I could look her in the eyes. But if I answered it, my voice would certainly crack, and then I'd be a bawling mess before she even entered. So I chose to just sit there and do nothing. She came in eventually.

"You know, if I was you, I would have told me not to come. Something in me said we could work this out. I'm in no position to ask you this, because I know what I did. But if you wanted, we could work this out. But for now, I wanted to come comfort you. The second you picked up, I knew you needed someone. I don't even know why, but I knew"

"I sent Carli a message. She wants to help me seek contact with her", was all I said in reply. She knew in an instant who and what I was talking about. I don't even know why I was still telling her about my family drama. Sometimes I don't understand myself. Or was it love I didn't understand?

"Are you okay?", was all she asked in return. 

"I really need you Leah. I loved you. I love you", I said in tears. I wanted her to understand the damage she did to me. I just wanted her to see what she did to me. To us.

"I'm so, so sorry. I don't expect your forgiveness. I wanted to be upfront with you, because I love you too. And I can't live this life with you baring that secret. That wouldn't be fair to you", she apologized again.

"I just don't understand. How could you think I'm someone I'm not?"

"I swear, she looked like she was your twin. I was drunk, I know, but still... Look Louise, today we'll still be Lou and Le like nothing happened. You need this. Tomorrow we can talk about all of this and you can do whatever you want. Now I'm here for you because you need someone. You can't keep doing this on your own", she said.

"I don't think I can do it", I stated honestly.

"Do what?", Leah asked, confused again.

"All of it. Contact Alex. Keep playing football. Letting you go. I don't want to be alone", I hung my head into my hands. I was lost once again.

"I'm so sorry I put you in that position. I wish I could take it all back, but I can't. Louise, look at me. You are the strongest, bravest and most beautiful woman I have ever seen. You can take on the world and even then you wouldn't lose who you are. You have come so, so far, and it's only the beginning of what you have yet to achieve. You are the next big thing. You can face Alex, and tell her whatever you want, because you are fearless. You can keep playing in goal, because you are the best keeper I've ever seen. And you can be on your own. You can do it, even though you don't want to. Because you, Louise McKay, you can do anything. It won't always be pretty in the beginning, but you can change that. Again, I am so very sorry, but you can let me go. Trust me, I wouldn't want that for the world, and I'm guessing by your tears that just fell, you don't want to either. But you can, because you are so strong", Leah peptalked me. 

"I can't let you go. I just can't. It's like we're bound to be together. I'm going to be honest with you. I have been telling myself I should just break up with you here and now. But I can't, and I won't. I can't live without you. I'm not saying you're off the hook, but I need you. Like you said, we can work trough this. You broke my trust, but everything can be rebuilt eventually", I answered her. I think my eyes told her I had a little hope, because hers glinstered too.

"I suggest we go to yours now, we watch a movie and we'll go to sleep. Then we'll take a little break. Just a little one. I want to give you space so you can manage your life the way you want to. But for that to happen, I need to keep myself away from you. If I'm in your life during that time, I won't be able to contain myself. I'll still be there when you're ready, I promise", she sadly told me.

"Le, please", I talked through my tears.

"Let's just go hom- to your house, yeah?", she said, now a tear rolling down her cheek aswell.

We got home, well to my house. G and I decided to stop living together. After everything, I told her I needed my own space and that I wanted to move out. But she told me that she was thinking about going to live with Keira and Lucy for a while. So we just decided she'd go and I would keep our house. Leah did in fact start a movie, but I paused it when it practically had yet to begin.

"Can I kiss you? Even if it's just a break, I want to kiss you one last time", I whispered. I was scared she would say no, and I would have embarrased me once again.

But while I was thinking all of that, she smashed her lips against mine for one last time. She grabbed my hips one last time. She put one of her hands on my neck for one last time. We parted ways and put our foreheads together. One last time.

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Oh my God! This was again such a rollercoaster to write.

I'm sorry that this one is a bit shorter again. I'm trying you guyssss :-)

I'm also sorry for all the believers out there! I'll make it up to you (or not...) ;-)

(I want to clarify that I'm not like Louise! Broken trust can never be rebuilt!)

So, on that note... Keep being happy in life guys! Thanks for reading, as always.