Getting Through Life

Chapter 42: My loss

Trigger warning!

POV: Third person

"I always think of you when I kick that ball. I play defense now. I know I know. You don't approve. Look, I've tried goalkeeper, but it was just not me. I know you'd want me to do what I liked, so I asked coach to let me try full-back. I like running, you know that"

"I haven't talked to her. The last time I saw her was last week. Amanda asked her to come and have dinner with us, and she came, but she didn't seem like herself. I know, you'd want me to cheer her up. I try it, but it doesn't work. But I'll never stop trying"

"Felix! We have to go, you'll be late for training!"

"Seems like I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow Louise. Bye Noah. Take care of each other, yeah?"

Flashback

"Paddles!"

"We've lost her again! Come on!"

"Charge to twenty"

"Charge to fifty!"

"Time of death, 09:52"

"Damn it!"

POV: Leah

The doctors came out again. I summoned everyone back out of the cars because this tragedy never stops.

This time, they didn't look hopeful. They looked like shit.

One of them arrived to our group and took of his hair cap.

"We've tried everything we could, but we couldn't save her. She's dead", he said.

No. NO!

I sat down. Louise's dead.

I looked to the left. Alex, Tobin and Lisa broke down with each other.

I looked to the right. Mom, dad and Jacob broke down with each other.

I looked in front of me. Felix crawled back into my arms and just sniffled.

I looked to the doctor again.

"What happened?"

"She went into cardiac arrest. We saw a piece of her ribs. It invaded her aorta and punctured it. She must have been hit very hard to get that piece up there. We tried to revive her, but she slipped past us. I'm very sorry for your loss", he explained.

My loss. It's not just our loss. The world loved her. She was the rising star, the next big thing. She was moving to London next season. She signed with Arsenal.

I'll never play with her on the same team. I'll never see her smile again. That stupid, goofy smile. We were engaged. I'll never be able to marry her.

I'll never see her ever again.

I heard crying everywhere. Literally, everyone around me cried, whined, Tobin even yelled. I didn't see the point in it. Nothing was going to bring her back.

I shot a message to our Arsenal group chat. The one where she would've been part of next season.

Me: she's dead

Beth: are you joking or for real?

Kim: if this is a joke you're on the bench for three games

Me: not kidding

Katie: r u for real? 

Catilin: this can't be real

After that, I let Gareth know the same. Her team should know it too. I texted G and Keira personally but I didn't wait for any of their answers. I turned my phone off as soon as I could because I didn't want to deal with it now.

She was eighteen years old for Christ sake.

On the bright side, her suffering was over now. I think she wanted it. I think she didn't fight at the end. She was done with it, and I can't blame her. I miss her already, but I'd never blame her. She tried. I couldn't ask more than that.

I can't help but shake the feeling she wasn't talking to me about her dream, about those letters. Something is telling me to look in her drawer when I get the chance. The season was over now anyways, so I could swing by her house. Someone has to do it actually, clear her belongings and maybe sell the place.

It should be me. I knew her best. Sorry Felix, no offence and all.

How the hell are we going to do this? Let the world know and all? A famous, amazing, rising football star died today. Age eighteen. Hart failure.

The worst part is, everyone will go on with their lives, while I'm stuck here.

End of flashback

POV Leah ended

I want to answer him. Tell him he'll be alright, that the struggle won't last forever. I try to shout it to him, give him signs that I hear him. But nothing gets through. Everything I send comes back after it hits an invisible wall.

I'm looking after dad and Noah.

Sent. Not received.

You'll be okay.

Sent. Not received.

Thank you for everything.

Sent. Not received.

I saw him walking away. Well, saw is a big word. I no longer felt his presence. I felt sadness. That's because I tried to connect myself to Leah. Let her know it's okay. She's okay. She'll find love again. She'll read everything about that, because I know she won't give up.

It's been good. I couldn't ask for a better person who I'd spend my life with until the end. I'm happy I got to meet my family, blood or no blood. Those people who looked after me, I will forever bear them in my heart. That heart that gave up on me eventually. Never let go of the sarcasm, right?

But Leah's right. I felt her thinking it that night. She thought I gave up. The truth is, I did. At first I tried to fight it. Life was finally good again, and I could start over. But then the fight became almost impossible, and I thought to myself if it was really worth it. And then I came to a conclusion. For me, it's not. So I went peacefully, knowing I had everything I wanted to say, written in those letters. I'm sure they would be found by someone. That way, everybody could have their closure. I would have never forgive myself if I couldn't give them at least that.

So, this is really it then. I never imagined it being so peaceful up here. I like it to be honest. I've never experienced peace like this, even with Leah. This is just, different. Another level. One you can only reach if you give up mortality. Become part of the light in the world. If I'd known what it was like, I'd never go through that life again.

I'm happy now. Like, real happiness. This life is sublime. I think I made the right choice, even though I had to leave them behind for it. I know all of them. They're strong people. They can survive in a world without me. They each have a great support system too, they will support each other through it.

I can let it all go now. I can go through the gates without looking back. I did my part.

I can be free.

______________________________

I'm not crying, you're crying...

Thanks for reading...