Getting Through Life

Chapter 19: Some clarity

Slight trigger warning

I slept good. Better anyways. I decided to finally adress the article. I don't know if my team has seen it, or Alex, or Tobin. But I think I owe everyone an explanation. If I want to be a role model for young kids, even tough I am still a kid myself, I should set an example of myself.

And so I made a video, explaining some parts of my past and my parents. That I had a really dark period and that I had cut myself. I had dark, really dark thoughts.

But I also said that I am much better now. Maybe no one close to me will believe that because of what's going on right now, but I think it's true. I don't wake up wanting to harm myself anymore, and I see that as progress.

The video was ready to be uploaded, but I couldn't do it yet. I was reveiling a piece of me, my story. And so I wanted to call Alex. Again. I also did consider to call Leah, but we still have our own issues.

The phone rang, and now the roles were reversed. They were in the middle of the night while it was morning here.

"Hello?", I heard someone groggily say. I think it was Tobin to be honest.

"I'm so sorry to wake you up, I just needed someone to calm me down. I needed someone to talk to. I can wait and call back later if you want?", I decided to say even though I could really use someone now.

"What's going on Louise? You okay?", she sounded a lot clearer now.

"Look, I don't know if you've read that article or not yesterday. Well, did you?", I asked her. If she did, I wouldn't have to explain what was in it.

"What article? No I don't I think so", she sounded really confused. More like disorientated.

"You can read it if you want to, but basically some camera's photographed my arms. I have a lot of scars on them. Because... well you get what I'm trying to say. Now, I was going to adress this, but I guess time got the better of me", I began my rant.

"I made a video explaining it all to give everyone some clarity, but I can't seem to get myself to upload it. I feel like I'm putting my life on display for everyone. Like my whole life is just a tv-show for someone else", the fact that I trust a person that I don't even know for a day, with this information says a lot.

"How about you send it to me alone? Then I can help you, maybe point some things out so you'll feel more confident about it", she offered. Maybe that idea is not so bad.

"You know, your idea is not so terrible", I teased her. I know I'm a brat but I love it. And with Tobin, it feels natural to behave like children, even though she is fifteen or something years older than me.

"No seriously, thank you Tobs, I'll send it now, you can watch it in the morning, no worries. I'm sorry for waking you up", I once again ended the conversation.

"No problem kid. You can come to me anytime", she sounded as if she was practically asleep again.

"I'll let you go back to sleep now, say hi to Alex and your future defeat for me", and then I rapidly hung up. I sent her the video before I forgot to do that.

It was winter break, but apparently we had one more training scheduled. It had something to do with our stats and putting them in the system. So, for the last time this year, I had to make my way to training.

Now that G didn't live here anymore, I had to find my own way of transport. I didn't think that part through. I tried to catch a bus, but I don't understand how those things work to be honest. So, of course, I missed the damn thing. I had to walk. Now keep in mind, I didn't live very far from the training ground, but it was too far to make it in time. I didn't have any other option, except run.