i'm right where you left me

27

the next morning, leah was no longer in bed with me. i got up and put my clothes back on.

i went downstairs and she was sat in the kitchen on the phone to her mum. she looked a bit worried or upset or something. but i couldn't tell what.

"hi baby" leah said. i went over to her and kissed her lips before going to grab myself some breakfast.

"you okay le?" i asked.
"yeah im fine" she said with a smile. it looked genuine so i didn't question it.
i sat down and leah said bye to her mum.

"baby are you sure you don't want me to come. i can just go in late to training. it'll be fine" she said.

"no it's fine leah. if you don't go today, joe won't put you in the starting line up tomorrow." i said.

"fine. message me when you get there and message me when you get back home please" she said.

"yeah i will" i said.

"right i've got to go then. love you iz" she said.

"love you more le" i said. she kissed my lips and then left.

i got ready and then left. i arrived and went to the desk.

"name?" the woman asked.

"izzy cooper" i said.

"yep take a seat" she said.

i went and sat in the seating area. i was really nervous and my head was full. i was overthinking everything. i also sent leah a message saying i was here.

i was unsure if i wanted to go through with this.

i got called in. i followed the woman into her room and sat on a chair.

she told me the whole process and gave me different options.

she made me lie on the bed so she could do an ultrasound scan.

she turned the screen so i could see it.

there was the tiniest little baby on the screen.

i cant do this. i cant kill my little baby.

it means ill be out of football for a long fucking time but in the end it will all be worth it. right?

that's what everyone says. right?

but im at the height of my career. i'm so young and im doing so well. what if i never get back to my best after being out for that long.

but leah would be with me every step of the way. she's so good with kids and she would help me with everything.

i felt tears in my eyes. i felt so conflicted.

"uhm i've changed my mind" i said.
"i can't go through with this" i said.

"that's okay" the nurse said. "a lot of people change their mind after seeing the ultrasound"

"if you don't mind me asking. what was the reason you wanted an abortion in the first place" she asked.

"uhh i don't even know the guy who is biologically the baby's dad. it was non consensual and i wasn't fully aware when it was happening. i don't think i was even conscious." i said.

"im so sorry" she said.

"yeah it's not your fault" i said. "but i've got great people around me and i know that they will be supportive of me no matter what"

"that's good" she said. "well i wish you well for the future"

"thank you" i said.

"do you want a picture of the ultrasound" she asked. i nodded.

she printed it out and gave it to me. i thanked her again and then left.

i got home and messaged leah that im back. then i got into the shower.

i cried a lot in the shower and then cleaned myself and got out.

what if leah isn't ready for a kid and i've made a mistake.

how am i supposed to tell my mum. and the girls. and everyone else.

i got out and got dressed.

i sat on the sofa with the picture of the ultrasound and looked at it.

i'm going to be a mum.

a little while later, leah came home. she saw me sat on the sofa and came right over to me. i had my head in my hands and was crying.

"what's wrong baby" she asked.

"i couldn't do it le" i said.

"i was debating it a lot and when i saw this i couldn't go through with it" i said, handing her the picture.

"we're gonna have a baby?" she said. she was shocked but i could tell she was happy.

"yeah" i said. i wasn't sad but i wasn't over the moon about it. i was just really confused

she hugged me tightly. i put my head in her neck and my breath was shaky.

i'm happy that she is okay with it.

"you okay?" she asked.

"mhm" i kept hold of her.

"are you having regrets?" she asked.

"no" i said. "i just wish that it happened in a different way"

"yeah it was horrible what you went through baby. but you've got so much support. have you spoken to your mum" she asked.

"not yet. i've got a lot of shit to do now" i said.

"yeah i know" she said.

"i need to tell my mum. tell joe and the arsenal girls. catch up with jack. and i want to see your mum as well" i said.

"yeah your a busy girl" she laughed.

"i am" i laughed.

"well we're going back to mine for christmas anyway so you can see my mum then. and jack." she said.

"true" i said. "i kinda want to tell my mum in person though"

"yeah that's probably best" she said.

"are you coming to the match tomorrow?" she asked.

"yeah" i said.

i got up and went to the kitchen to make dinner.

i did a pasta and leah sat on the counter while i cooked.

"baby you need to learn how to cook. i don't want to be your personal chef all your life" i joked.

"but your cooking is so much better than mine" she whined.

i laughed and put some food in for us both. we sat on the table and ate.

we went and sat on the sofa. leah put me on her lap and rested her chin on my shoulder. she kissed my neck and we put on a movie.

"i love you darling" she whispered in my ear.

"i love you le" i said. she kissed my neck again and then went upstairs once it was done.

i got into my pyjamas and got into bed.

leah's mum facetimed her while we were laying together. i was laying on her chest with my head at the curve of her neck.

leah: hi mum
amanda: hi leah darling. how's izzy doing?
me: i'm doing alright amanda. how are you?
amanda: hi honey. i'm good. are you both coming back for Christmas?
leah: yeah we're planning on it.

after a long conversation i ended up falling asleep.

leah's pov:
amanda: looks like izzy was tired. i'll let you go hun. goodnight
me: night mum. i'll see you soon

i ended the call and then went to sleep.