2 Feb
My anxious feelings come back.
When I leave home
My overthinking takes a deep dive, and microscopic lenses are on now. Everything I did and will do will be judged, analyzed, relived, reviewed, and tested in every situation I have ever experienced relevant to this. For the first time, I didn't panic about what was in my bag. Am I forgetting something behind because I used this bag recently and didn't clear it last time? I came up with a solution and also followed through on it, like focusing just on important things, including cash, my phone, earpods, pads, and water. Everything else can be managed, so don't overthink it; if you forget, you forget. It's simple.
I have started dreaming about the book I am writing, and the weird part for me is that it's all about gestures and sharing. He was holding my hand and talking to me for hours, sharing his secrets and desires with me. Like last night's dream, he was talking to me in my ears about something, and I was not able to understand it, so I asked him again, saying, "Say it out loud." He says, I like you, Tuktuk, and tries to kiss me. I pulled back, like, questioning myself: "What? How is this possible? out of nowhere, then when I decided to do something about it, which is to lean ahead, kiss his cheeks, and tell him I like you too, or, in those lines, I woke up surprised and content because dating now is a bad decision. Fling is not my thing, so it's better to not have him than to have him like this. The beautiful part of this whole thing is that it's one-sided, and in my mind, nothing is ever going to reciprocate. A little part of me wanted it to be true, but the real side of me knows it will never be true, so why lie to myself and screw my fantasy up in the hope of getting what I can't have? Having him in my delusions is such a pleasing thing. My life is fulfilled by the idea of having this kind of romance. Today I was occupied with work and other things, so I kept missing my ex and my imaginary boyfriend, but not at the same time. So it becomes all real when I am all alone, and when I am done observing myself, content within focusing on myself being all happy listening to songs or writing my journal, my mind teleports me to this land where I live a content life by myself and slowly leads me to this side of me where I get to be with this guy who is imperfectly perfect for me. I do hope to date him for real, and I know he won't be the same as I write about him, but I would really like to know him more than my own imagination and previous data about him.
