3 February
Today I had this moment of panic in a meeting when I couldn't figure out my files, but keeping that aside, it was a better day than any other. I slept well, I exercised, and I lost half a kg, so I am finally 67.5 kg—actually less—but let the half be in buffer. My aim is to be 62 kg by next month. I will diet, and my motivation is budget. I want to go clubbing and watch the sunrise and sunset. I stopped looking for people now. I am thinking of going out and doing it myself, but safety is a concern. I don't drink, so going alone seems a bit off. Sunrise, I can go to Khadi nearby, if not west. sunset Bandra I can go and shop all by myself; maybe meet my Santacruz friend and my cousin brother, whose birthday is there, and he got exams; poor kid. He is the only child whom I saw from the time he was born until he was a year old. We stayed together, and he remembers nothing from those days, and I remember everything about him. The way we danced on songs, and he used to cry whenever I went out of his site. That was the most pure form of love I have ever received till now, and my pet marshal as well. I miss loving all these people more than their love for me. Growing up, I looked for reciprocation, and now I am so content with no reciprocation. If anything, I fear reciprocation. I just look for respect and acknowledgment at best. I don't seek companionship for real; my book, my action, and my gesture might, but the harsh truth is, there's nothing there that can make you whole or feel better if you can't be your solitude and find someone who is willing to find himself or herself as well instead of searching for happiness in someone else, and that kind of love is rare, so I am prepared to die alone rather than settle for someone less than that. I don't want perfection; I want real; working on yourself, whether it's a friend or a partner, that's all I see now. Don't be interesting, don't be funny, don't be smart, and don't be great-looking; just be you and grow. Also, talk, and please be tall. That's where I lack, and that's my flaw. Take care of yourself. Let's rule this world with our acceptance and flaws.
