17 Feb
I went to see the doctor today, and he asked me about the problems I was facing. He explained how this exercise is nothing compared to the gym and other exercises I did before. It's all because of stress, and I need to let go of the burden I carry around with me, so he requested that I take a 2-week leave from work and life in general, go on a trip, and calm my soul. I believed him because he was right since I lost my purpose in life and the love of my life last year. I became this lost soul, and then I started focusing on myself by taking care of myself physically. I faced a lot of health issues, like losing my sleep and appetite later, my confidence, my weight loss, feeling dizzy, constant foot aches, allergies, etc. Then I started hitting the gym and consulting doctors, and then my dermatologist suggested I see a psychiatrist for anxiety problems, which I did. It helped me a lot to process my life, but I feel stuck again with this pressure that I am not good at my job or managing my life well. This constant need for companionship and comfort bothers me, especially in times of pain when I am emotionally or physically in pain, mostly physical. I wish someone would hold my hand, hug me tight, kiss my forehead, wrap me gently, and tell me everything will be okay. I feel so lost and hopeless, like, why did I cry in front of someone for whom there was no need? I felt like I was showing them my tears on purpose just because I was vulnerable at that moment. I forgot they would judge me too for being stupid, weak, and naive to handle simple things in life like the pressure of people's expectations, pain, and the world because they are managing it some way, but I can't. That feeling of judgement haunts me, like when I see this vivid picture of me crying on video call looking at them, because I love that person so much, and I forget people have different shades of love just because I can understand and accept everyone. I keep forgetting the simple facts of life. So daily, that scene of me crying on a video call in front of them from a third-eye view makes me judge that girl who did that. That's cruel of me to treat me like that, because I wouldn't do that to a friend or another person at all, but I do that to myself, especially to my childhood self. Now that I abuse myself and traumatize myself every day, I question myself why be so harsh to this poor soul? I promised to love myself and take care of myself. This is part of accepting things and letting them go. No one is to blame—not me, not them, not the world—that's life.
