22 January
It's been a rough week.
There is a lot of work to understand, manage, and cater to. I couldn't handle the pressure of not being able to do work at the expected pace. I felt really anxious and disappointed a lot of the time. Keeping that aside, my cute friend Akshita moved back to her city, and I am going to miss her and still do. I get these intuitions about people around me, like that my other friend will leave the city for his MBA soon, and I am going to miss him even more. My voice has been gone for 3/4 weeks, and it's still not back. Last weekend was a blast; this weekend was the other way.
I took a stand for myself, but I didn't do it the right way. I forgot the basics of life and messed up by not being respectful or subtle. I have no regrets at all, and I don't feel guilty either, but I have realized my mistakes and will never repeat them again. All my intentions were good, but somehow it got screwed up. Later, I felt I had lost them all. I still feel it, but isn't it a loss both ways?
Anyway, I did apologize and tried calling too.
I get it, but I don't have the capacity to tolerate things anymore. I am getting clarification on life slowly and steadily. I just want to be at peace and content. Yes, I thrive a lot, but I don't want to feel this pressure to perform at all. I want to be me, and I want to be free. It's better to be alone than with people who make me feel like I am all alone. I am extremely grateful for everything and everyone. But I refuse to be someone who feels constant anxiety.
I am happy, content, and clear. I felt like I had a writer's block because someone's ignorance wasn't handled well, so those feelings made me stop writing. After speaking to my bhabhi about my book and views, I feel so much better, and I finally wrote a chapter too. Her open-minded views help me grow and gain perspectives in life. I am extremely grateful for my bhabhi and cousin sister. I love them both equally and can never let them go until they hurt my self-respect. I miss my ex a lot these days since I stopped chasing life, people, and feelings and held on to myself. I have really started to feel my suppressed emotions. It's finally coming out, and I am figuring things out slowly and steadily.
