4th Feb
I made plans today, and they all got cancelled. I am not sad or disappointed because that's life, isn't it? Like my friend said, "wanting a positive experience is a negative experience, whereas "wanting a negative experience is a positive experience." So after my good cardio workout and some workout shoot, I felt so tired and thrilled with myself that I wanted the plan to be cancelled so that I don't have to travel, but I do want to go but not travel or be awake at night. I am happy with myself, and today is a productive day. I met my friend. I met my BLDG aunt, whom I like a lot. We shared things and did an hour-long walk at Khadi. Later, I bumped into another BLDG member. She is beautiful and great at dancing, too. I like that kid. I accompanied her to a few places, then we walked and talked about things. I like her vibe; she is chill and cool. I am sitting at Cafe "Chai Desi" currently. I'm observing people in groups, and there's this cute kid in red who came to me, smiled at me, and hugged me out of nowhere. I reciprocated the energy back to him. Man I miss playing with kids in BLDG. I used to play with kids in Santacruz, and I can start doing that now that I am free on Saturday. After going to the gym in the afternoon, I can go to Santa Cruz to play with my cousins and kids while I am home till night. I am excited about tomorrow's Sunday volunteering day, where I'll get to meet a lot of my kids who stay in Miraroad, and I'll go there to teach them. We will study and play together. I played with three new people, Uno Flip, and met my other friend too. I'm spending time with Bhai and Bhabhi now. Me and my bhabhi discussed the possibilities of my book, and I read my chapters for her. Also, about my relationship, my expectations got more clear today. I will see: 1) faith in God; 2) family-oriented and providing; 3) progressive and taking care of himself.
Not perfect in all of these, but willing to learn and grow, adapt according to the situation, and make some compromises, I am willing to do the same.
We discussed another aspect of this book, which is me looking like a simp when I write it or him boasting that I am this crazy person writing about a guy who knows it's him and he might be reading it.
Unrelated to the previous paragraph, just generic information. My therapist yesterday told me to stop judging myself and just analyze myself every time I judge myself. I realized I judge myself by the only thing, which is this book and the guy in it. He is an inspiration, not an obsession, so I also realized, let him be and feel this, let him share it with his girlfriend or wife one day, that there was this girl who simped so badly that she wrote a book for me because that's my form of love for him. Let him feel that love and know he has this; he deserves it. My love for him is greater than any stupid thought that can demean it. I sincerely believe he isn't the kind who will ever take it the wrong way; maybe he is more accepting and happy than thinking of me as a crazy-obsessed person. Whatever he may decide to take, I hope it makes him happy.
