11 February
I went out with my new friends; it was fun. I tried Kathiawadu food for the first time. It was yummy; I might try it again. I am being this considerate person again. I am trying to enjoy new things while trying to recover from this pain. I feel so deeply. My friend moved back, and my other bond with someone close to me changed. Now we talk in formality with no feeling—maybe some, but less on my end. I love myself too much to compromise on self-respect. I miss them both. I have become so insecure that I have started annoying my best friend more than usual because I'm afraid of what he might do. Eventually, he might go, but I want to spend as much time as possible. I think I am filling my two bonds of emptiness with him emotionally; obviously, it's not working well. If anything, he is shocked, but I don't get to share with them, gossip, or chat. Having girlfriends is a privilege. I do have another one, but. I am so scared because of my previous scars. I don't want to let someone in completely anymore. My guards are up. I am going to protect me. Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster for me, and I also learned how love conquers all. New cousins, a new place, new experiences, new energy, and new exposure. Today I went to volunteer. I missed my first batch. I woke up, texted my friend to call me, and slept back. My phone was on silent. In the second batch, I taught them some words and sounds of the alphabet in order to teach them phonics soon. I feel so dead inside and lazy too. Some backaches, an improper sleep schedule, worrying about work tomorrow, and unnecessary pressure I take. I need to start sleeping until 11/12, wake up early in the morning and see some sunlight, go for a walk, and then work. Tomorrow will be the first day of me doing this. I saw Bappa yesterday, and my friend shared the invitation with me on Instagram. I thought of going but didn't. When we left for dinner, I saw him. He really does love me a lot.
