8 Feb
Oh, my anxious, though, will you stop? It's just a backache, not havoc, and people go through a lot. The stress of work, career, and separation is rough, but I don't need to destroy myself by overthinking and worrying unnecessarily. I can't stop either of them. I just need to let myself live in this hurry to get everything done now and right away. When situations like these happen, I start missing him instantly because he would have accompanied me and made me stressed more than I was at that time. I would prefer he wasn't here because he would make me stressed even more because I am usually too chilled at such events. I forgot to take my anxiety pills, and I stink at my work. I feel like I am not able to shuffle between my task, my project, and my meeting. Today my manager informed me that this is just half the work, and I felt like shattering at that second. Here I am, waiting to get my X-ray done and worrying about my work. Is this what life is for everyone? I am grateful to my ex for giving me this luxury of not worrying about work at all but then worrying about our next goal and working on it. Shedding tears and staring at peers was just a phrase I made while waiting in the queue for my X-ray. At night, I spoke to one of my friends, and I shared with him my anxious thoughts and started crying because I miss my ex, especially when I am in pain like I am now and my back hurts. He was so caring and kind at such times. I really feel how amazing he was at these things. Taking care of me being all cute and nice, like I am the best thing ever happened to him. I did talk to him today. I asked him about our procedure because it's been on hold for 4-5 months, and the reason is him. He said he is figuring it out, and for the first time, I didn't tell him about my problems or my back pain because when I asked him about his well-being and his family's, he didn't ask me, and now that I am writing this, I realize he never did, even before. He doesn't care; I am just his regret for a big mistake, like a big fuckup, and it ruined his whole life. He lost his superb life, in which he built up his reputation as a good kid. He might miss me and care for me, but he doesn't bother to ask me anymore because he is busy working his busy life, where he works three jobs and studies in another country. My problem is that I seek closure so badly. Like fuck everyone who left me ghosted from my ex to my crush. Yes, I am a person who believes in saying goodbye and honest communication. By the way, reports are back; they are not good. So my progress is fucked too. I am bad at my job, marriage, and now health too, which is extremely bad. Life is great; let's die sooner, please. I can't wait for this phase to pass. "This shall pass too"
