5th Feb
This consistency in his ignorance bothers me at times, and then my excitement over little things, for example, my hope that he might be reading my book at least, but in reality he might not; he doesn't even acknowledge my existence, and that's the real deal here. Living in this reality is so confusing because I can't stop writing; it's too good, and I don't want to, but isn't it me self-sabotaging myself, especially knowing that the person doesn't care at all? Mannn, life is tough in such scenarios, and then the real call is, if he does acknowledge my existence or something, what will I do? Then nothing, right? Okay, maybe something. There will be some texts here and there giving me butterflies, this constant need for his reply, which will become my dopamine, and then what? He might go back to his life, or if I get lucky and he gets interested, still nothing. We don't even stay in the same city. We live in a real world now where people don't change, whether it's their city or themselves. I am not ready for anything from situationships to relationships; I need more awareness, time, and self-love to be a completely strong individual. I know what's right, but these constant emotions and my little self, who can't get over the romantic love she seeks, are also sides of me I can't ignore, but that won't be a decision-maker ever. Never repeating what I did before. I am first, and I love me, so rest will be distant from me. I protect the girl within who needs the care, love, and kindness she deserves; that's going to be provided by me, not a man, friends, or people in general. I will be my first love. I'll take myself on dates and cherish everything about me. There is no need for someone's adoration in order to feel this love. Some "want," maybe, but this is not a "need." All I need is God, and he decides everything. I trust the process and his love for me.
