6th Feb
I had a sort of good day—no work stress after 11 a.m., no other problems—maybe some cause someone said something I got triggered and also realized. I don't bond anymore; it's just communication; nothing meaningful is left; everyone picks their team. I don't have any teammates; no one ever picks me. I feel so alone and stupid. Why has it been like that since childhood? I cried a lot today. It hurts knowing people only care when they feel replaced, not when you care for them, miss them, or call them, but as soon as there is some threat to be replaced, love reigns from somewhere. As I type this, I am crying like a baby. I have actually decided to move on, and it's breaking my heart. I am never taking him back, even if he changes, because I deserve good things and I love me. Till now, a little tiny part of me hoped he would change and I'd take him back, but now I won't ever take anyone back who didn't treat me right. I don't seek comfort when I cry anymore. I realized today that when I started crying in front of my friend, he was trying to comfort me, and I really didn't want that. I mean, I am grateful he stayed to console me, but it was okay even if he would have left because I just needed a good cry. But now that I am writing this, listening to music, crying my heart out in the corner of my building, accepting and actually moving on with no hope of him returning ever, it's empowering me while breaking me into pieces. I assumed I'd never love again the way I loved him because I can't ever get over him since I realized and started accepting that moving on completely is draining me emotionally and physically a little, but I am going to push myself to eat right and exercise because I want to change myself. I was born for a reason: to take care of myself, my mom, and do as many good deeds as possible. I am considering a career change, either psychology or teaching, mostly psychology, because teaching gives up on me. I didn't sleep well last night because of the pressure of my work early in the morning. I skipped my anxiety pills on Friday and Saturday reduced it to a quarter yesterday, but I didn't feel anxious today, maybe a little. I got so triggered by someone's behavior because I love them, and they express love when they feel insecure or jealous. That's so sad. I was sharing reels, texting, and calling all this while no response was given, but I understand she might be busy. Suddenly, when I post some new friend content, love reawakens. Isn't it sad that people are like that? I didn't miss my IBF, and all these feelings stem from childhood traumas of feeling abandoned. It's such a naive thing. After loving myself so much, I get this betrayed feeling, and I don't blame anyone, not them or me. I am just a human with feelings. I am learning to not blame myself; accepting things is difficult, but this whole thing where people leave, not just physically but emotionally and mentally, like that bond is no more, but my hope never dies now when I am accepting, and it's killing me from the inside to know he will be no more mine or ever will be, is tough and heartbreaking. I finally fit into my puma tights I bought in March/April 2020, in the time of COVID in the UK, when I was working out and hoping to be medium soon, and I couldn't stay consistent. I did it finally, and there's this t-shirt my ex gifted me that has "Hustle" written on it, which is really cool, so I decided when I lose weight I'll wear them together, and today was the day I did that. Sadly, we didn't shoot any gym videos in this outfit today; I just requested my trainer to record me throw some proper punches. Why do I feel as if my ex died like he is alive but not for me anymore because he left but I didn't leave him until today? I had some silly, stupid hope for a miracle, but now it's gone. It's relieving, but it hurts a lot. My current comfort zone is this imaginary life where I am stuck peacefully lying on his chest and relaxing, feeling fulfilled. Should I just leave it like that and leave an open ending for my readers to predict?
I could have never imagined that when I'm wearing this outfit, I'll be crying like a baby on the street or in a bldg corner, hoping nothing. When I wear anything squishy, like this night robe, I change into it as I reach home because my ex bought it in the UK because I love it. It makes me feel fancy and fulfills my movie fantasy of wearing night robes, socks, gloves, etc., and I get cold too. In the afternoon, when I held my robe, I was squishing it against myself, and I didn't want it to let go. Even with my teddy, which I gave away to my sister when I cleaned and organized her wardrobe, I couldn't let go of that teddy bear, as well as if that's my ex, and I don't want to let him go, and here comes the waterworks. I am standing in the kitchen writing this, looking at my reflection in the window, and now my vision is blurred because of my tears. I really look cute in this robe, and my open-haired eyes are filled with tears. Irony aside, I am actually fulfilling one of my fantasies while doing this, and my well-done nails with metallic rose gold add to it. Now I am finally going to drink my protein shake and stop writing about this feeling. I just want to transport myself to this delusion world and kiss my IBF, but even that doesn't work like this because once you start living in reality, check your emotions and accept this journey of figuring things out rather than running away from it. It becomes difficult to actually dreamscape in seconds or hours, too. I haven't tried harder than that because I want to grow and build myself emotionally too.
